When Howard met Vince
by cookiemunster
Summary: The lads are on their first ever adventure... will it all end in tears? Will they find the treasure of Xantu? Will anyone realise that Vince is a man, not an ugly woman? COMPLETE!
1. And so it begins

**When Howard met Vince**

**Ever wondered how Vince and Howard got together? (not in that way, its not _that _kind of story) **

**I don't own the Mighty Boosh, two complete geniuses called Julian Barrett and Noel Fielding do.

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**

Vince Noir realized that it was raining.

"SHIT!" it was only a matter of time before his hair would be flat and lifeless. This would be a disaster. He also realized that the massive flares and the moon boots would not help him in his effort to find shelter.

"Why cant mods just wear trainers?" he said to him self under his breath. A clap of thunder brought him to his senses. Running down the waterlogged Hackney street he said a prayer of silent repentance to Mick Jagger.

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Howard Moon stared at the martini in front of him. He had ordered it to try and make himself look cool and sophisticated, but soon realized that martini actually tasted like badger piss. With a cherry floating in it.

He had found himself in the bar in the East End as he had heard that the streets of London were paved with gold. True, his point of reference had been a Ladybird book of Dick Whittington. Still, it didn't take away from the fact that London was a lot like Leeds, except with more angry people, less Northerners and more Cockneys.

Already he had been asked by four men if he was 'Lookin' at them funny'. He had considered catching the next tram back to the station but every time he thought of Yorkshire, he felt the embarrassment of the Jazz night once again. He looked down at his trumpet in its mock leather case and had one of those voice flashback thingys. Like in the movies.

**"_I'm the Spirit of Jazz, Howard. You are my bitch!"_**

Howard was shaken out of his daydream as a skinny flurry of colourful clothing and hair burst into the bar.

"Has anyone got a mirror?" Vince Noir yelled at the top of his voice.

He was met by silence. He looked wildly around at the various cockney stereotypes and realized that there was little hope for his hair now. Why had he left the whole of his mammoth mirror collection at the kiosk?

Vince was slowly began to sink down to the floor. He could feel his mesmerizing powers slowly sinking away from him as his hair became flatter and flatter.

"Ohh… this is a sad day for Shockwaves" said Vince as he folded into a ball.

Suddenly he felt a shadow cross over him.

"I don't have a mirror, but I do have this, if its any help." said Howard holding out his super shiny trumpet in its case.

Vince leapt up and pulled out a comb, hairspray, mousse and a hairdryer. I n a few moments, his hair was taller than ever before and he was preening in the reflective surface of Howard's Jazz trumpet.

"Cheers mate! I was having a bit of a shocker" said Vince. "I'm Vince Noir, rock n roll star" he said, proffering a hand to Howard.

Normally, Howard would have searched desperately for a way to get away from this Glam Rock poof he was now faced with. However he could be certain of two things.

One: Vince was the only person in London who hadn't tried to nick off with his wallet and two, he had just saved the fashion conscious weirdo from certain doom (flat hair) and therefore, Vince would feel obliged to buy him a drink at least.

"Howard T.J Moon" said Howard, shaking Vince's hand.

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**Chapter 2 will eventually come rattling out of my mind cogs at some pouint, I think. Anyway reveiw you suckballs.**


	2. Fishyness

**phoenix inferno-wow! is so funny I can't wait for the second chapter! it like what would probs happen but Vince did react a little over the top... **

Yeah that is true. But I think everything that Vince has ever done is OTT so I wouldn't worry about it! Thanks btw!

**Radar- rox- aw very good I especially liked 'this is a sad day for shockwaves'  
look forward to chapter 2. well done!**

Shockwaves is the mousse of choice. Thanks and here is chapter 2.

Wow, I seem to be having a fit of creativity these days as I had a good idea for once! So this is chapter 2.

**Chapter 2

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**_Many Mick Jaggers later………._**

"So how come you've come to London?" asked Vince. He had been talking to Howard for about an hour and had so far learned that Howard was a jazz musician, a writer, a cyclist and a genius.

Howard had learnt that Vince was a mod, a fashion guru and that he was studying for a B-TECH National in Hair Design.

"Well.. I decided that my talent was far too big to be contained in the North. So I decided to spread my skill about. Like a talented knife spreading the jam of knowledge." said Howard.

"Right." said Vince.

"And I was offered this job at a Zoo" said Howard.

"Really? I can talk to animals you know." exclaimed Vince.

"I don't think you can, Vince" said Howard. He looked at the pointy faced, clothes horse in front of him and doubted that he had ever seen an animal, let alone tried to speak to one.

"No I can!" insisted Vince. "I'll show you." he said and led Howard to a muggy old fish bowl.

Howard watched disbelievingly as the younger man started chatting away to the ancient goldfish that inhabited the bowl.

After a few minutes, Vince straightened up and said to Howard, "His names Gary, he's divorced with two kids and he likes Tangerine Dream."

"How do I know your not just making that up?" asked Howard.

"Well you could ask him yourself…" suggested Vince.

The two of them found themselves in that awkward position which all men find themselves in from time to time. And yes, that's _**every** _man, **_ever. _**Regardless of the fact that one of them was dressed like a reject from an 80s new- romantics group and the other one looked like a northern fool in a polo neck. They had got themselves into the age old situation, where one of them would end up looking like a twat. (Not literally of course, they both looked like twats already.)

"Well, I could try it... after all you can do it, how hard can it be?" said Howard.

He leant down next to the goldfish bowl and attempted to mimic the weird utterances that Vince had come out with.

After about a minute, Howard looked up at Vince to see that he was looking down at him, with an absolutely disgusted expression on his face.

"What?" asked Howard.

"Your sick!" said Vince. "How could you say those things? That's disgusting… ugh, get away from me!"

"What did I say?" asked Howard, who was very confused.

"That you were going to… no… I don't want to say it out loud!" said Vince. And with that, he turned on his tail and fled the pub.

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**Oh dear! Will the Boosh be re-united? (Obviously, they've just met). Will Howard get the job at the zoo? (Obviously, what else would he do?) What did Howard say to the Goldfish? (God knows) All will be revealed in the next (longer) chapter.**

** a Mick Jagger is an alcoholic beverage, in case you didnt know. I have no idea what's in it, but it is the choice drink for shamen on the show.**


	3. Zoo interveiw

**Radar –rox:aw brilliant.  
i could just see vince's freaked out face (like the one in 'killeroo' when he was looking at the nude howard photos) during the goldfish incident.  
can't wait for the next chapter, keep those creative juices flowing!**

Cheers, that was exactly the face I was going for ("I don't want to see it live!")

**jellyjam rabbit - great! liked the " this is a sad day for Shockwaves" :)**

Shockwaves was foremost in my mind cos of the NME shockwaves tour. Cheers!

**nopunintended-spiffin jim. I love your story and you write well, young one. Oh the imagery. Ps, i like howard's intro and ... everything else**

Waahey, thanks for that. You sound like Obi wan with this young one business. There will be more imagery and more of Howard's bizarre delusions!

**Fuchsia-Lordy, that last bit was hilarious - it's so very Boosh I really should've seen it coming, but I honestly didn't. Well done, took me by surprise and it was laugh-out-loud funny.  
I would say mind the hair thing - Vince IS obsessed with his hair, but it's the kind of unspoken thing that everyone just knows about, he doesn't have to keep mentioning it or reminding the audience, or neither does a writer. Be sure to have him doing plenty that's not hair-themed from now one, for a more rounded and nicely Vincy character portrayal. :)  
So: this is totally peachy! Really well done, it's dead entertaining, and I'd love to hear more.**

wow that has to be the longest review I have ever had! I was actually expecting there to be bullet points and an index.

Cheers, that really is lovely. I know that Vince is sort of background obsessed with his hair, but he and Howard have only just met and I think its important that Howard gets it too. I promise Vince will get a bit 'deeper' (he wont be quoting Sartre anytime soon though)

Thanks its nice to get feedback! Now, onwards with the tale…………

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**Chapter Three**

**Three months, two weeks, six days and 12. 5 hours later **

Howard Moon was in the Ocelot pit. And he was furious. Bob Fossil, the complete imbecile had told him to put bras on all of the naked ocelots.

Howard, being an actual zookeeper and not an emotional retard had argued with Fossil. But Fossil had retaliated by running off and hiding in the ape salon, while yelling "I'M A GOOD BOY, MOMMY!" at the top of his voice. So Howard had no choice.

Howard was seriously assessing his life. As far as he could see he was a man, a trained zoo keeper no less, who was working with a bunch of fools and retards. Sometimes he had to question why he was working at the Zooniverse at all. But then the answer would come floating into his mind like a guinea pig with wings.

_Mrs. Gideon _

Howard felt himself smiling as he thought about her. The Head of Reptiles, the creamy goddess…. who could never remember his name.

He sighed and went back to ocelot stalking.

* * *

"So, why do you think you're a good applicant for this animal-man-looking-after-guy-job?" asked Bob Fossil.

"Erm… what?" asked the young man sat in front of him.

"Are you questioning me?" asked the irrationally angry American. He threw a cup at the man, who got up and began to run for the door of the office.

"YEAH! Let that be a lesson to ya, punkass!" yelled Fossil to the retreating back of the man.

Bob Fossil had been interviewing applicants for the recently vacated post of junior keeper at the Zoo. The last keeper hadn't been seen since a freak accident with a gazelle.

Fossil, an overweight, loud, abrasive, man-child was the acting head of the Zooniverse. Dixon Bainbridge, the owner of the zoo, was usually off doing man-of-action type things (bear wrestling and snake bating).

Fossil set about doing some more work. So far, he had managed to joint the dots to make a doggy, a kitty and a horsey. He got out his felt tips and began to colour in the kitty, when he heard a knock on the door.

"Come in!" he yelled. It would be another of those zoo-keeper types. With their degrees in animal husbandry and their shiny faces. They made him sick.

But when the door opened, instead of a greasy skinned smart arse, there stood a glam rock dream of a human. He strode into the room, pausing only to remove the Stetson he was wearing atop his fountain of hair.

"Hi, I'm Vince." he said introducing himself.

"What do you want a certificate in cake making? Sit down!" said Fossil.

Vince, totally unabashed, sat down. He was quite excited really. He had needed a job ever since he had been kicked out of the band he had been performing with. 'Creative differences' had been the reason given . The truth was, Vince wouldn't stop talking about Gary Numan and it had sent the others insane.

But Vince wasn't really one to let the comments of others drag him down. He was almost permanently upbeat about life. He couldn't help smiling his pointy little smile as he contemplated working in a zoo.

"Now, Vince" said Fossil, "I want you to know that this job is very hard. We don't just let any dickbag do it. So why do you think you could be good at this job?" Fossil finished reading the sheet that Bainbridge had written for him before he had left on the tiger riding mission.

"Well, I can talk to animals. And I know all of the words to 'Virginia Plain' by Roxy Music." said Vince, listing his two most relevant qualifications.

"You're hired!' Fossil said after a moment.

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**So? You gonna read all that and not say a thing? ARE YOU? What are you scared or something? Reveiw you chuffs!**


	4. Reuniting the Boosh

**And review they did….**

**phoenix inferno-excellent bloody excellent! Your right bout the Ottness of Vince, sos bout that.**

**What did he say to the fish! Vince's reaction was perfect! Absolute class**

Glad you liked it. Sorry, you reviewed at the exact time I updated. Which was quite freaky actually. Anyway I think I shall explain about the fish at some point.

**Radar-rox -guinea pig with wings? certificate in cake making? you're a genius!  
hehe gary numan.  
re: the outburst about reviews at the end... i think perhaps you have some issues you need to work through...  
i cant wait for the next chapter,  
may Gideon burn in hell,  
X Radar-rox X**

Issues, huh? You sound like my shrink. "We have to work through these problems" and "Will you please put that table down". Cheers, I don't think I am a genius. I think I'm a bit wrong to be honest. Thanks though.

**Seb Recondite****- Woo! This is brilliant! I've never read a Boosh fic before, and this is the best one I've ever read!**

Thanks, I think. The Boosh rocks, read more fic!

**louise.laws****- I loved it! "floating into his mind like a guinea pig with wings"**

Cheers, I like that line. My experiments to make a guinea pig with wings never quite work though. Guinea pigs don't like having sex with crows. They will learn….

**Hanging.by.a.moment****- haha bloody funny ive only just read your chapter 3. It made me laugh. Keep writin you are doin a great job!**

Thank you very much. I am going to make you watch the whole first series of the Boosh at some point. hahahahaha (Vince wears a skin tight snow suit, not to be missed)

**phoenix inferno -Yay! It just seems right! Fossil is perfect, i can't say id change a thing about how you've done him! Keep it up please!**

Thanks. I was worried about writing FossilEvery time I typed 'Fossil said…' I had to delete it and write 'Fossil yelled…' He yells a lot.

**SqueakyLittleKettle****- well impressed. end of.**

Cheers very much. Over and out

**Thank you to everyone who could be arsed to review. You are all lovely. Sorry it's been a while, I was in Germany. Anyway, this is the result of my mid week blues and my friend (****Hanging.by.a.moment****-) moaning that _absolutely_ no fic was being updated. This is for my fellow obsession whores (they know who they are)

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**Chapter 4**

Howard was awoken from his peaceful slumber by Bob Fossil's grating, American accent barking at him over the tannoy.

"Howard Moon, get you're stupid ass over to my office pronto!" yelled the randomly irate man.

Howard felt annoyed. He had been having a lovely, jazz influenced, dream where he charmed Mrs. Gideon with his trumpet. And no, that is not a euphemism.

Howard sighed and stood up. With a deep sense of resentment he headed to the door, humiliation and a very good chance that in just a few minutes, he would be wearing little blue pants. God, he hated Fossil's whims.

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Vince sat on the brown sofa in Fossil's office. Fossil was telling him about the Zooniverse owner, Dixon Bainbridge. Or rather, Fossil was rambling on, while Vince was thinking about Marc Bolan.

"He's a man of action, and by that I mean he isn't gay, more of a philanthropist you know? And I know you want to know what a philanthropist is and to tell the truth, I don't know but I think it might be to do with submarines…."

If Vince had been a more astute man (and actually paying attention) he would have probably realized that Fossil was unnaturally obsessed with his boss. But as Vince was about as astute as a candy floss hat, he barely noticed Fossil's gushing.

Fossil was interrupted by the sound of knocking on the office door.

"Who is it?" barked Fossil.

"It's Howard Moon, Mr. Fossil." came the reply.

"What?"

"Howard Moon, Mr. Fossil. You called me about five minutes ago."

"What?"

"Look can I come in?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm talking to a door" said Howard.

Vince, throughout this little conversation had one of those weird things. If this were a TV show, the camera would probably slowly move in on his face as the confused look melts away and recognition dawns on his face.

Which is why, when Howard entered the room, Vince stood up and yelled;

"Hey, it's you! The fish rapist!"

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**Sorry it's short longer next time I promise. Please review or I'll creep inside of you like a warm kitten. Love you all xxxxxxxxyz**


	5. Between Mod and Fish Rapist

**To make up for the pointlessly short last chapter, here is the next chapter. I'll respond to reviews from my lovely friends (Hanging.by.a.moment and Apple Senorita- my obsession whores) in the next chapter. I got all inspired on the bus on the way home….

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**Chapter 5**

Vince and Howard sat silently in the keepers hut. They were both distinctly aware of the fact that neither of them had spoken in 22 minutes and 8 and a quarter seconds. Well Howard was, because he had a watch which had a second hand as well as an hour and a minute one. He had been staring at it for about 5 minutes 38 seconds.

After the initial confusion, anger and chair throwing, they both didn't really have a lot to say to each other. So that is why they had been sat in silence for 23 minutes and one second. Two, three, four…..

"Just for the record, I have never raped a fish." Howard said, feeling the need to defend himself.

"Well… why did you say you had?" asked Vince. He was still slightly confused (and a bit concussed).

"When, when did I say I had raped a fish?" said Howard trying to keep his cool, although, of course, he knew.

He had recognized Vince immediately as the fashion conscious, pointy faced urchin he had met on his first night in London. The man who could speak to the animals.

"Don't you remember? The night we met in that bar? Have you seriously not thought about it since then?" asked Vince at the precise moment Joey Moose entered the room. He threw both men a confused and startled glance and wandered out again.

"Alright fine! OK, that night when I spoke to that fish…" began Howard.

"Gary" said Vince.

"Erm, no I'm Howard"

"No, the fish was called Gary." explained Vince.

"Oh right, Anyway, the night I spoke to Gary, I was, well I was a bit drunk and my erm… powers were weak and well, I may have said some things that I didn't really mean" explained Howard.

Vince eyed Howard. As far as he could see, Howard Moon was a fairly harmless generic looking man. However, who knew what lurked under that moustache….

"Well why did you say that that you had raped the best of them? The trout, the salmon, that you had 'had them all'?" asked Vince.

"Oh God, look Vince the truth is… the truth is… well.." Howard never got to finish his sentence.

Because at that moment…. there was a MAJOR development in the plotline….

**_To be continued…

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**Review, otherwise I will assume that you hate me, the Mighty Boosh and yourself. Don't make me assumpt about you.**

**xxxxxxxxxyz**


	6. Strange Stranger

**Apple Senorita****:So so so so funny! Keep writing it cos its excellent! stroke hehe**

and

**Quick update! yay! You know thats' funny, cos after all that inspiration I had that afternoon, I lost it all on my way home! Lucky you. Hehe, anyway, keep going, because it still makes me laugh, its really well written and I like your style (writing or just general style...hmm?)**

Thank you my darling. Coming on to me in reviews now, are we? Hahahahahaa, party on Saturday. You never know, you might get lucky (joke) (stroke)

**Hanging.by.a.moment**** :wo cool update. thankgod u finally updated your story. hahaha fish rapist lol.  
talk 2 u soon  
love obsession whore number 2**

Yup, it just goes to show, everyone loves a fish rapist. Especially you (why am I not surprised?) Thanks very much.

**Radar-rox:totally brilliant.**

**i wish to read on... but there are no more chapters! what are you trying to do**

**to my already fragile mental state!**

**hehe fish. fish is actually quite a fun word... fish...**

**sorry.**

**hope germany was cool.**

**well done write more see ya (well... see what you write anyway...) x**

**16 days till boosh live**

Germany was very cool thanks, and thank you very much for the review. And as for the Boosh live, I went to see it and it's not as good as you might think….. It's the greatest thing you will ever see with your eyes. In fact, you will want to gauge your eyes out after it so you never have to see anything else ever again, thus preserving the memory perfectly. And Noel is so shiny…. ;) xxxxxxxyz

**jellyjam rabbit : o! don't leave us dangling you juicy dangler :)**

I juice 'em and then I'm gone. That's my style. Hehe, here's the next chapter

**Frankie McStein: Heehee! This fic rocks! You're really well in character! Keep it up!**

Well try darling I really do try. Thanks, I'm lovin your name by the way. I just read your profile. You are clearly mental. Welcome to the club my dear….

**Hamilton Cork: It is I, Hamilton Cork! I just finished reading your story and it was an**

**absolute tour de force! One day you will be published and become a famous**

**writer! Keep up the good work,**

**CORKY **

**X**

Cheers. Are the padeins good? Or is it equity minimal? I love a quotey review. Very much appreciated, it made me laugh when I was a bit down the other day.

**Yes that's right ANOTHER new chapter. Why? Because I spoil, you lot, I really do… not because I don't have anything better to do. Apart from revising for GCSEs, but you know….

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**Chapter 6 **

A man stepped off the tram. Yeah, he didn't have to use public transport, he had a magic carpet, but he was a magical man of the people. That and it was raining, and he didn't want to get the carpet all soggy.

He glanced around the deserted street; his fellow passengers had already melted into the darkness. Not literally of course, because that would have been bloody scary. In reality they had all sloped of to there respective houses and flats in this part of East London.

He was on a mission; he had a zoo to find.

* * *

"I can't believe it!" screamed Bob, his head down on the desk. He was holding twenty six Zooniverse gift shop pencils in each hand and he was bawling like a baby.

Vince and Howard, being men and not very bright, had no idea how to comfort him. They had arrived at Fossil's office eight minutes earlier to find the man comatose and weeping. They had heard screaming over the tannoy and had naturally assumed that Fossil was being murdered or something.

Instead they had found an emotionally retarded American, dressed in a light blue safari suit, weeping like a willow. They hadn't actually been able to get anything completely coherent out of him for about ten minutes, just a lot of screeching and occasionally some kicking.

Vince was armed with a dust pan and brush while Howard was holding a metal watering can. They had come to the office with their rudimentary weapons just in case Fossil was actually being murdered. Neither of them could actually decipher what was wrong with the man.

"Erm, Mr. Fossil?" ventured Howard.

The man's head snapped up to face him.

"Don't ever talk to me, Moon, or I'll smash your face into a monkey's crotch." yelled Fossil. He then went back to his weeping.

Howard and Vince exchanged a look. For his part, Vince was bearing up pretty well. Howard had had three months to get used to this kind of behaviour, Vince had all off three hours. Still he seemed to take it in his bony stride; it's hard to bring someone down when their most depressing thought is that they may have run out of Lime Tic-Tacs in the tuck-shop.

Just as they were about to attempt to talk to Fossil again, a knock came on the office door. Howard made his way towards the door as it swung open.

There was a great whoosh of air and some mystical sound effects, which you will have to imagine because they aren't very onomatopoeic. Mist filled the doorway. It slowly began to disperse to reveal a small, hooded figure standing in the doorway. The cowl of the cloak completely shielded the strangers' face.

Both Howard and Vince felt a little scared. Doors rarely open by themselves and most people don't come with their own sound effects.

"Who are you?" asked Vince.

The stranger lifted his hood.

"I'm Naboo, that's who." he lisped.

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**Oooh yeah, the Shaman has landed. Review please dear, you know you love me…**

**By the way I'm going a way for a week so forgive me for not updating.**


	7. Naboo explain's himself, badly

**Morning all...**

**Hanging.by.a.moment****: hehe, you have to update again soon. Arghh its goin 2 be a whole week without u my fellow obsession whore! Have fun and don't rape any fish!**

(stalkerstlkerstalker) I swear I have never met this girl let alone go to school with her.

Fish rapist… (haha love you really Becky, stop reading dirty things and then telling me about them!)

**Radar-rox****: NABOO YAY! **

going away for a week? tuts you're off jet-setting about and theres poeple here woh depend on your updates? tuts in a Rik-Mayall sorta way

yay Naboo rocks.  
well done

ps. lime tic-taks? no no no. orange all the way.

Stop your tutting, I'm back. Glad you like Naboo (Naboo's genius he'll know what to do). Lime is more Boosh, or at least I thought so. Besides I always save the lime ones cos they are the nicest. Lime Opal Fruits (I refuse to call them Starbursts) are the most brilliant thing ever. Even better than clocks or hamster wheels. Thank you!

**Frankie McStein****: His fellow passengers had already melted in to the darkness; not literaly of course because that would have been bloody scary! My friends don't watch The Mighty Boosh, and even they love this fic! I'll forgive you a weeks holiday, but I'm demaning an update as soon as you get back!  
Well, maybe I can wait 'till you've written the next chapter. Maybe!**

Cheers mate, I'm glad you like that bit. A word to Frankie McSteins mates who don't watch the Mighty Boosh : I am going to have to turn my back on you (Music plays and II spin round) Thanks now I cant see the computer.

**Fuchsia: It is I, Fuchsia, she of the reviews wot require bullet points and an index!  
You are a genius, and could not have hit the Bob-Fossil-shaped nail on the head more accurately if you had used Charlie's posh hammer! And more about the shaman, please (although, just out of curiousity, which episode does it say about the Shaman and the mick Jagger cocktail? I don't remember.)**

Episode 1 Series 2, Naboo meets Barry the Shaman in Shamansburys and they start reminiscing about a party. And Barry (Noel) says (in a fantastic Welsh accent) 'I was off my tits, I had three Mick Jaggers and a line of cheap wiz!'

There you go. Thank you very much for reviewing!

**Well I'm back… I was in Yorkshire. Yorkshire is a place… Yorkshire is a state of mind. **

**And now I'm all refreshed and inspired so, come on me beauties… give me your peepers. (Not literally, what would I do with all the extra eyes? Now if you gave me your organs maybe I could find….. I've said too much. Ignore that please.)

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**Chapter 7**

"Naboo?" asked Howard and Vince simultaneously.

"Yeah, I'm your local shaman. I do exorcisms, tarot readings, love potions and balloon animals." he said handing them a card.

"Cool" said Vince with a nod, "I like your outfit" he said referring to the blue sparkly number Naboo was wearing.

"Thanks, Shaman Outfitters, it's tailor made." lisped the enigmatic shaman.

Howard was growing increasingly infuriated.

"Listen, Stella McCartney. I don't know why you're here, but this is private Zooniverse property so if you would be so kind…." said Howard, but he trailed off because Naboo had given him the look. Yes_ **that** _look and a little bit of panpipe music played. Which means 'shush your lips up' in anyone's language.

"I'm here on official shaman business actually." said Naboo.

The whole time they had been talking, Fossil had continued to weep but his cries had subsided into pathetic sobs.

"Oh really?" asked Howard, "and what's that then?"

Naboo looked at the sobbing man and then at Howard and Vince.

"I have come for you. We must leave now." explained Naboo.

Although his explanation was really quite crap. If all his explanations were like that then you would never trust him to read a map or explain Binary Code.

"You've come for us?" asked Vince.

"Yes."

After ten uncomfortably quiet seconds Howard said "Do you want to explain that?"

"Well…." said Naboo, throwing a look at the sobbing Fossil.

"OK, Dixon Bainbridge has been taken to the Screaming Lake of Agony where he is to be executed." said Naboo. Ha, he can explain things. Just not very sympathetically.

This sent Fossil into fresh fits of crying.

"Who?" asked Vince, who had never met the man.

"Dixon Bainbridge, he's the Zoo Owner, a philanthropist, a man of action…. a complete twat." said Howard, who hated Bainbridge almost as much as he hated glam rock.

"Anyway, we need to find him as he is the only one who knows where the Treasure of Xantu is." said Naboo.

"Look, I really don't think….. treasure?" asked Howard.

"Yep." said Naboo

Howard gave a grin, raised an eyebrow and a snatch of a flute scale could be heard…

"Vince, pack your stuff, where going to the lake" said Howard.

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**Dun dun dernnnn! If this were Eastenders then I would stop here and piss you all off. **

**Well it isn't but I will…. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxyz**


	8. The curse of Gideon

**Apple Senorita: Ugh, damn review button. Won't let me sign in grumble, grumble, swear, kick something, grumble...anyway:  
this is your fellow obsession whore saying: YAY, you updated! Also, glad you're back from holiday. Becky too. I was all on my lonesome! (Believe me, I know all about Yorkshire, I lived there for twelve years!).  
So update soon pwease pwease 'cos I'm loving it. Very very funny all around. Jolly good show, pip pip and all that. xx**

Yay, I'm still back. And here is some more. Glad you did well in your French speaking test! Je traviele au Mc.Do!

**Radar-rox****: a lake eh? am i over-optimistic in expecting a bit of old gregg? probably... **

ballon animals, cool. i love naboo's oufit... all spangly and great...

overall a totally awesome chapter to a totally awesome story... please update soon!

well done!

Naboo's outfit does rock. And I guarantee that we will meet some old friends on this journey. hmmmm (strokes beard)

**louise.laws****: Luvin it luvin it, especially the cool new words, Xantu, flute, do, erm... etc. anyway, i just have to say that i went to see the boosh on the 13th and they were fantastic, i have to tell fans cos every1 else looks at me like im deranged and that is def not...er... true.  
laters :)**

Oh yeah, you do get lots of funny looks if you're a fan of the Boosh. So what if I like them? So what if I like to where a Gary Numan ski suit wherever I go. So what if I'm only friends with shamen and gorillas. Some people are so bloody prejudiced aren't they?

**Hanging.by.a.moment****: yay another update! i no you told me bout it the other day but ive only just got round to readin it. hehe 'Stella Mcartany**

Me and Stella are good mates. She begged me to mention her. Get well soon Becky!

**Fuchsia: Stylishly done! Most amusing, loved the balloon animals!**

I'm scared of balloon animals. With their shiny featureless faces,. Thank you for the review!

**phoenix inferno****: OMG I havn't rev. in ages! It just keeps getting better! Naboo's so sweet! Howard would do anything for treasure wouldn't he!he he the Boosh live rocks!**

The Boosh live was an awesome night. The tour DVD is out soon (wooooooooooo) so we can relive the magic. Hahahahahaah Big Leg.

**Frankie McStein****:He's the zoo- owner, a man of action, a philanthropist... a complete twat! Cool! I had to stop reading there for a second, I was laughing so hard I couldn't see the screen! It was just pure boosh! Oh, and my friends, not knowing Naboo, now think you're weird too. And this is after I explained it to them! I think I'll just give up on them. Or maybe let them lend the DVD's! **

Yeah, lend them the DVDs and force them to watch it. All of it. All 10 hours of episodes, and then the commentaries and then the extras. And if your mates are reading this… STOP READING CRAP I'VE MADE UP AND GO AND WATCH THE REAL THING YOU FREAKNUTS! …. glad you like the story mate.

**I have 4 (four!) reasons why I haven't updated in a while. And I'll give them to you in a bullet point list (because I'm an anal bastard)**

**My computer broke**

**I was revising (fucking GSCEs, what do I need qualifications for, I remember when all this was fields etc.)**

**I lost my muse (it's back now, amuse-ing me)**

**I have a new bass guitar (if anyone has the bass tab to the Boosh theme I would appreciate if you could send it me)**

**Ok then here goes…**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

"Vince what are you dressed as?" asked Howard.

Vince looked like a bag of sweets with hair. He was wearing a pair of striped bright blue and white flares, a tight black leather jacket and a pink t-shirt with the word 'Jagger' emblazoned on it in neon letters. And his hair, of course, was about twelve meters high.

Both men were getting their stuff ready to travel to the Lake of Xantu with the mystical Naboo. Howard was stocking up on First Aid equipment, rope and tent pegs. Vince had packed Jaffa Cakes and super volume root booster cream.

"What" asked Vince, "I'm not wearing that uniform until I've customized it." he said gesturing to the forest green jacket. He looked at Howard. The man looked like a human snooker table.

"Green's not really your colour is it?" Vince observed.

"What do you mean?" asked Howard defensively.

"Well, I'm just saying, you know, it doesn't really do much for you." said Vince.

"What?" asked Howard, becoming increasingly annoyed with the air-headed, pointy faced fashion junkie.

"Look I'm just saying that with your colouring it makes you look a bit washed out and tired." explained Vince. "You look a bit like a bit like an unkempt shrubbery in a suit with that hairstyle as well." he added.

"Oh so you look like a sophisticated man do you? You look like a Christmas Tree with legs!" yelled Howard.

Vince merely chuckled. Besides he'd always been a fan of tinsel. And Howard was OK too. Underneath all the fish raping threats and the moodiness he was just a bit of a twat.

Vince was still smiling when the hut door opened and Mrs. Gideon entered. She stopped for a moment, stared at Vince and then seemed to recover herself.

"Erm, is there a Howard Moon in here?" she asked in her interesting European accent.

"Yes, Mrs. Gideon that's me." said Howard, a little too keenly.

Vince felt the grin on his face widen involuntary. It was so obvious that Howard fancied this woman.

"Oh, you must be new." said Gideon.

"No, I've been here 3 months. Remember last week? When the chameleons got out and we kept on standing on them because they went the same colour as the ground?" asked Howard.

Mrs. Gideon just looked perplexed.

Vince, in attempt to salvage the situation, stuck his hand out.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Vince. And I **am** new." he added flashing her a grin.

"Oh, it's nice to meet you too Vince.. er?" said Gideon, smiling up at him.

"Noir. As in Vince Noir, Rock and Roll Star" smiled Vince.

Mrs. Gideon then proceeded to laugh for a ridiculously long time, in which time Howard managed to give Vince the evil eye. Vince grinned back.

"Well, I doubt I will be able to forget that!" laughed Gideon.

"Was there any specific reason you came here?" asked Howard, icily. He didn't like the fact that Mrs. Gideon kept touching Vince's arm. He also didn't like the fact that Vince kept grinning at him in a knowing way .

"_Stop looking at me in a knowing way!"_ thought Howard.

"Oh, yes. Mr. Fossil wants you two in his office right away." said Mrs. Gideon. "Well I better be getting back to my snakes. Goodbye… Vince." she said with a backwards smile.

Vince grinned back and as soon as the door shut he started laughing, only to find that he couldn't actually breathe. Howard had him pinned against the wall, his hand wrapped around his neck. Oh dear….

* * *

"So… you like Mrs. Gideon then?" asked Vince, wheezing slightly. Howard had set him down and had made him a cup of tea after his random outburst. 

"Yeah… sorry." said Howard for the sixth time that minute. He was sorry. He didn't mean to grab the pointy one and nearly asphyxiate him. But he was Jazz. He kept his feelings close to the surface where they could be grabbed and snatched on the brambles of life_. "Oh that's good, I'll write that down"_ thought Howard.

"Its OK" said Vince. And it was OK. So Howard was a flaming lunatic and a complete Jazz freak. He was still more normal than most of the musicians Vince had met. _"Yeah"_ thought Vince… _"I could get used to this."_

"Anyway we better get going" he said. He grinned as he picked up his suitcase (vintage, Paul Weller puked in it at a particularly mad Jam gig), and prepared to go on a journey with a mental American, a lisping mystic and a weirdo.

"Yeah" he said to himself "Life doesn't get better than this."

Then they downed their tea (because, in spite of everything, they were English and there is a rule about having tea before a big journey that's written in the Doomsday Book) and headed off into the unknown…

* * *

**Ok then. There you are. Now Review. **


	9. On the road

**Ugh, my exam leave starts in two days and my first exam (citizenshit) is on Friday. So I'm listening to Kings of Leon and immersing myself in Booshiness to cheer myself up a bit (People can be so cold when they're dead: ))**

**Radar-rox**** :yay tis good. very funny, it also delayed the time before i have to get down to some serious media research so thats always good too.. **

liked the brambles of life line btw... very edward monkton-ish... do you know of edward monkton? hes great - poet, artist, philosopher... interesting fellow.

meh i dont like Gideon. meh.

yay tinsel and jaffa cakes - a wicked combination. though not advisable to mix them up (speaking from experience).

rocking chapter, look forward to the next one. enjoy the days of only revsining for GCSEs.. i miss those days...i watched the holy grail before my Food Tech exam... its all A-levels now, and i've sorta already given up on english and i'm close to calling it quits with psychology.  
whoops sorry got a bit carried away there, life-story wise... oh wel no harm done.

well done!

Hehe, thanks. I was meant to do some Maths revision the other day (I've been predicted an A, but my maths teacher is clearly a mental) so instead I watched the entire BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. It's five hours long. Oh yeah, I'm hardcore.

Edward Monkton! Wow, that's a serious honour to be compared to him. Pig of happiness! Thank you!

**louise.laws****:"there is a rule about having tea before a big journey that's written in the Doomsday Book" how true is that, many a time have i paused before setting off to climb everest and thought, i could murder a cuppa. well done, still goin strong, good luck with GCSEs!**

Indeed. I have managed to find the bit of the Doomsday book that mentions tea:

**_And thou mustest thine cuppa of Earl Greyyy (or Tetlys depending on thine poshinesss) finnish before thou steppeth out of thine abode or elstest thou shalt need to stoppeth at yonder Little Cheyf. Which everyone knowest is a massssive rip offfff._**

Cheers, cant wait to get the stupid GCSEs out the way to be honest. I've got 11 weeks of Summer hokliday after them. Oh yeah, envy me..

**Fuchsia: Chameleons going the same colour as the ground?  
Love it love it love it - the actual Boosh would be deeply proud of you nods :)**

Thank you! I actually think the Boosh would turn up at my house, with a shit-load of cockney bitches and smash my face in for using their characters in such an unauthorized story. Not that I would mind being beaten up by Noel and Julian…. (fantasy land)

**Frankie McStein****: Oh my god! That whole chapter was just brilliant! And my friends will soon be initiated in to the mysterious world of the mighty boosh so no worries! Carry on writing, and if your muse tries to sod off again, tell her I'll be sending my muse after her! All my friends use that threat (everyone knows my muse!) And good luck on your GCSE's mate!**

My friends cant get away from the world of the Boosh. I'm always talking about it till their ears fall off, and then I get some superglue and stick them back on and start back up again. All my friends are action figures btw. Thank you!

**Thank you all. You are all lovely and I would like to hug you all (cyber group hug). **

**Aww.. you big bunch of freaks….

* * *

****Chapter 9**

"_Now the party's over… I'm so tired.. Then I see you coming… Out of nowhere…"_

Vince was crooning along (quite badly) to Roxy Music's synth- pop hit Avalon, which was blaring out on the small camper-van's radio. Naboo, sitting at the small fold out table was making a card pyramid and Bob Fossil was sobbing away on one of the tiny bunks.

Howard was hot, sticky and incredibly annoyed with everyone and everything in that van. The small fan which had been blowing out sickly, warm air was now blowing out sickly, hot air, which didn't elevate Howard's mood a single bit. The only thing that was keeping him driving was the thought of the Treasure of Xantu. Just why it had to be located at the end of the hottest stickiest road in the world, he couldnt quite fathom.

Vince on the other hand was fine. After hearing about the weather conditions at the Screaming Lake of Agony, he had put on his special pair of ice boots. That is, a lovely pair of bespoke designed mock leather ankle boots, with special temperature controls.

Right now, the shoes were set on 'Arctic Blizzard' and despite of the sweltering heat, Vince was as happy as a pie. Two pies in fact. He was even doing a bit of improv-dancing, his only hindrance being the seat belt he was strapped tightly into. That's why 'the Robot' looked more like 'The malfunctioning Hoover'.

"_Avalon- hooho yeah yea-yea-ahhhh"_

Howard flicked the radio to a Jazz radio station and immediately everyone else began to protest.

"What's this pile of owl pellets?" asked Naboo, who was into early 70s stuff and could not abide slap bass.

"This, is a seminal Jazz work by the likes of Johnny suicide fingers" said Howard, acting as if anyone who didn't know that was a simpleton.

In Naboo's mind, anyone who listened to something that sounded like a cricket stuck inside the bell of a trumpet and called it a 'seminal Jazz work' wasn't just a simpleton, but a complete musical retard.

"You can't dance to this." Vince pointed out.

"You aren't meant to dance to it, you're meant to sit and brood over it." argued Howard.

"Christ, if you had to listen to this all the time you'd go mental." said Vince under his breath.

Howard heard him though.

"You may scoff, but Johnny suicide fingers was one of the main exponents of the early Jazz-trumpet-agony sound. In the late 60s he was the talk of Leeds" said Howard.

"Oh yeah? And what happened to him?" asked Vince, all ears.

Well not all ears, he still had a mouth and eyes and a nose as well. In fact he still only had two ears, not that you could see them, stuffed as they were under a mountain of hair and a white Stetson.

"Well, he erm.." Howard trailed off.

"What?" asked Vince, his eyebrows raised.

"He went mad and shot himself in the head with a staple gun." said Howard.

Vince turned around and winked at Naboo, who returned a grin.

"How's he doing back there Naboo?" asked Howard, changing the subject by asking after the comatose Fossil.

Bob Fossil had insisted on coming with the rest of the 'boys' when he had heard of the plan to rescue Bainbridge. Naboo had helped him pack his colouring books and his favourite Charlie stories to keep him quiet. Since then, he had been laid on the camper-van bunk sucking a Rusk and crying quietly.

"He's OK" said Naboo. Well as OK as a man who was in his mid-forties and still sucked Rusks could be.

"So, erm… what are we actually rescuing Dixon Bainbridge from?" asked Vince. You see. none of them had thought to ask that. Not that the author had completely forgotten that bit of the plot… heaven forbid.

"Well, it seems that he shortchanged some locals out of a card game. He had some cards hidden in his moustache and when they found him cheating, they decided to put him to death." explained Naboo.

"That seems a bit harsh" said Vince.

"Yeah well, that's the rule at the Screaming Lake of Agony. In fact there are only two rules there: don't cheat at cards and don't try and nick the Treasure of Xantu" Naboo examined his watch. "We should get there in a bit" he said.

"Naboo, why did you want us to help you?" asked Howard.

Naboo knew this had been coming. He could hardly tell them the truth: "Well I needed three half wits to act as bait while I rescue him" could he?

Not that he would let any harm come to the others. And to be honest the only reason he wanted to rescue Bainbridge so much was to show up that bloody toss-bag on the Shaman council. Fucking Saboo.

"Well, erm… you lot seem like noble um… warriors" said Naboo sheepishly.

"Fair enough" said Howard who had always seen himself as a noble warrior.

And so the camper-van trundled on the dusty, hot road towards the Lake of Screaming Agony. And none of the occupants had any idea they were being watched….

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Now review before I set Robyn on you. And no-one needs a Robyn on them. (songwords used in this chapter taken either from 'Joe's Head' by Kings of Leon or 'Avalon' by Roxy Music and I did not write either of them. Unfortunately!**


	10. Map reading skills and magic carpets

**Frankie McStein: Saboo...that slag!****Sorry, I liked Tony. I never bothered revising at all, except for one gcse, and****that's the one I damn near failed! Keep on with the Boosh! It'll do loads more****for you, and it has the added advantage of keeping your hordes of demented fans****(ie- me!) happy****not that I'm trying to imply that I'm your only fan, just that I don't kow the****mental state of everyone else reading this.****I'm gonna go now.**

This story is literally keeping me sane. And I can't have hordes of demanding fans demanding stuff (like toboggans or sausages) when I'm 'revising' (OK, reading Fan Fiction, staring at pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal, etc) So this is a brand spanking new-ish chapter straight off the mindcogs of moi-self.

**FuchsiaII:Much yayness to you! Yay to the rusks, yay to the staple gun, yay to crickets****lodged in trumpets and yay to fucking Saboo! Except that last one came out a bit****Freudian. Muttermuttergeekyshamanfetishmutter. Ahem. Write more, this fic gets****better and better, and it's just the peachiest thing since sliced...um...sliced****things!**

Hehe, fucking Saboo. Well Saboo is hot specially in his IT crowd get up (does anyone else watch that? Is anyone else in love with Moss? Does anyone else need help?) It's nice to be compared to the peachiest thing since sliced things. I like sliced things. It helps us all avoid the 'stuffing your mouth with a whole loaf of bread syndrome'. Thanx!

**Radar-rox: ooh, bit of sinister-y-ness at the end there...****ah, i love their van, when i can drive and have money im gonna get a camper van****and paint it like the boosh one. also with some hippy flowers and stuff cuz im a ****hippy. i'm also a punk so i think i'll paint a rock hand on the back window...****yay rusks! i love rusks! mushed up with milk and cinnamon... m...****hehe malfunctioning hoover.****ah, we all know about naboo and his penchant for fleetwood mac...****rockin chapter, keep em coming!**

woo! fleetwod mac. Tusk wasn't as good as Rumors. It's one of my many laments….Yay, well here we go, a brand new chapter to keep you from revising and doing something that might, you know, be useful. Don't do useful things, they'll come back and hit you in the eyes one day….

Sorry it's so late (revision, gah) and here is chapter ten, specially for Frankie McStein, Fushcia II and Radar-rox. And my friend Robyn and her Pope Theory….

* * *

**Chapter 10 **

"Are we nearly there yet, Howard?" asked Vince, who wanted to get up, stretch his legs, perhaps buy a Fab ice-cream. Howard seethed quietly as he drove and then said, through gritted teeth

"No, Vince, we are not nearly there yet. In fact, we are nowhere near where we are meant to be. Do you know why? BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE MAP READING SKILLS OF AND IN-BRED BABOON! I AM NEVER, EVER, EVER, LETTING YOU READ A MAP ON AN IMPORTANT JOURNEY AGAIN!"

"Alright, chill" said Vince. "Come on it was pretty funny when we drove into that carp farm."

"No Vince, it was not funny. In no way was it funny. It was painful and wet and uncomfortable." said Howard, who's trousers were still covered in carp pellets. Trust them to drive in at feeding time…

"Look, I just directed you towards water, OK? There's no reason to be so arsey about it!" said Vince.

Fossil began to whimper in the back of the camper van. Naboo stood up to shush him but then he was suddenly hit by a vision…..

"You alright Naboo?" asked Vince turning round in his seat, to look at the shaman, who appeared to be in a trance.

"I can see a lake, the Screaming Lake of Agony. Bainbridge is… he is being…" he said his voice fading away, as the vision became less clear.

Vince and Howard looked at each other.

"We're nearly there." said Naboo with certainty.

* * *

From his vantage point on the magic carpet, Saboo shook his head. Would Naboo ever learn? He was clearly a fool of the highest order. What kind of shaman gets a group of retards to help him out on an important mission? 

Saboo sighed. He'd been sent by the Shaman Council to keep an eye on the renegade Naboo. Saboo primed himself on keeping the moral high ground at all times. It's just that Naboo always seemed to have a bit of fun.

Saboo couldnt work out why he didnt really have a lot of fun. Ever. Maybe it was his outfit. It was a bit depressing dressing in black every day. And it was all well and good keeping the moral high ground. It just got so lonely up there at the sometimes…

"What the bloody hell are you moping about this time?' asked a cockney accent located somewhere near Saboo's left knee.

No, Saboo's left knee had not developed the ability to do impressions of Londoners. It was Tony Harrison. A bodily-less wonder and Saboo's assigned partner for this observation mission. Saboo suddenly longed for the solitude he had once had.

"Nothing Tony, except for the fact that I have to put up with you. I mean what the hell are you Tony? You're a scrotum with a mouth." said Saboo.

The two of them didn't really get on. I guess you guessed that already…..

Tony Harrison rotated himself to look at Saboo. Tonynever turned, he rotated as you would expect a... man like himself to.

"Listen, just because your six foot tall and have a beard that makes you look like a 16th Century pimp, you can't go around having a go at me." said Tony

"Oh for fucks sake.." said Saboo under his breath. This was going to be a long journey. And he did not look like a pimp.

He regarded Tony and decided that he was probably the strangest thing he had ever seen. He looked like a jelly-fish with teeth and no eyebrows. He was just so… odd.

"Anyway, when we land, you, tall-boy, have got to put me in my papoose." said Tony.

"Why don't I just leave you here? Or better still chuck you in the lake?" asked Saboo.

"Because I was assigned to this because of my gift for strategy. And before you start, you remember the Shaman Council's new disability initiative. You can't treat me like a second class citizen." explained Tony.

Saboo sighed. The sooner he got to the lake, the sooner this whole thing would be over and he could go home and read his Shaman Monthly. He pulled his hat down and got his clipboard out to make some notes. Yeah, It would be soon be over.

Well, that's what he thought. But then again, none of them in the camper van or on the magic carpet could've predicted the adventure that lay ahead of them…..

* * *

**Love ya, please review because it cheers me up. And we are now about a 3rd of the way through so if i'm gonna keep going i need a bit of support!**


	11. Boy talk

OK.

I apologize. I haven't updated in ... Fucking ages! It's these damn exams. And my wife made of toothpaste. She melts in the heat.

But I'm back. I'm Live and Kicking (can anyone remember that from Saturday morning TV? It was shit wasn't it?)

**Radar-rox****: wow i havent had a fab for ages! yay i had my first ice cream of the year the other day at my nans.. it was a mr whippy...  
hehe carp farm  
i think more left knees should try their hand at impressions...  
yay papoose is about one of the best words ever...  
oh... (sorry, just read the ending...)  
yay tony harrison rocks my socks. great chapter, keep going (you dont need GCSEs... trust me, they're not all they're cracked up to be) **

well done!

mmmTony nnn Harrison. Love him, he's a pink bitch of a genius. Yeah, GCSEs are pretty crap. And very, very boring. Oh well only ten more to go (cry) Thank you! And knees should talk. If mine could they would be in pain cos I fell over the other day. I actually fell over my own clown feet. I've no idea how I managed it!

**Frankie McStein****: Wow! Saboo and Tony were spot on, and the carp farm... very reminiscent of the raspberry bootlace in the hitcher! (My fav ep btw!) You've obv. taken my advise about enjoying insanity!**

Oh I am, most definitely. I'm wearing pink pajamas with sheep on them. Sheep! I'll be sectioned like nobody's business. OO I love the Hitcher. Hmmmm…. maybe he wont be in this story but I have plans for him… hehehehe. (evil laugh) Well what else do you think I'm going to do in the TEN week holiday?

**FuchsiaII** **This story is keeping you going, you say? I know the feeling nods. Revision is the bane of all our existences...  
Well, in that case, have a metaphorical box of well-earned cyber-cookies, for producing such deliciousness in story format! Hurrah for carp farms, scrotums with mouths, fab lollies, cockney knees and ...fucking Saboo (conjuring up images of warm, if not hot, 16th century pimps and his yummy feather-hat-topped outfit is doing nothing to stop me typing that!). applauds Keep the randomness coming, you genius, this story's a hoot!**

Cheers. Wow reading your review reminded me how flipping random I actually am. I have no idea where this stuff comes from. Jesus I'm weird. Thank you for the applause (bows) (falls over) (smacks head and becomes unconscious) ow.

**ruby: I just found this - it's excellent! Been reading it at work! Need to know what happens next-please hurry & carry it on!**

**RubyX**

Ahh thank you. You've been reading at work? Don't you get in trouble for that? If you don't I want your job. It sounds awesome. It sounds like you don't do much. In fact it sounds like school!

Thank You Reviewers.Threveiwers.

God, I 'm obsessed with Look Around You!

* * *

**Chapter 11**

**_6 hours later. ( Naboo had been wrong in his timings. They weren't 'nearly there' in the last chapter. Well what do you expect from a stoner shaman?)_**

Night had fallen as the camper van trundled along the dusty road. A full moon shone radiantly from an inky blue sky. A swan swooped above the road making a white arc with it's angel like wings…. the writer reaslises that she has spent way to much time establishing a scene. The writer apologises.

Fossil was asleep on one of the bunk beds, his arms cradling a photo of Dixon Bainbridge kneeing a shorts wearing Bob in the nuts. It was his most prized possession.

On the bunk above him, Naboo the puma like enigma was 'meditating'. Actually, the little guy was out for the count and was snoring softly. He was dreaming of shamanistic things. Like magic carpets and turbans.

Vince and Howard were both still awake. Just barely though.

Vince was keeping Howard awake with that age old car game, thought up by prehistoric man, I spy with my little eye. Of course back then the unfortunate loser would have their arms hacked off. Probably. No one knows, it was prehistory of course.

Anyway, it was Vince's turn to spy.

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with M…."

"-oon" said Howard immediately.

"How did you get that?" asked Vince

"Because it was Moon the last three times you said 'M'. Or when you said 'H' it was Howard. Or when you said 'K' it was phosphorus." said Howard.

"Yeah, but it took you a while to get that didn't it?" said Vince, reaching for another one of his sweets on the dashboard. They were in a packet that said : 'May contain phosphorus, ethanoic acid, H5M1, staphalococulus aurous and nut trace'

"Yeah well, do you think we could stop playing this game? It's getting a bit boring" said Howard.

"Yeah well, what do you want to do?" asked Vince

"Well we could, you know talk" said Howard.

"Alright then" said Vince.

They sat in silence for a few moments.

"What do you want to talk about?" asked Vince.

"Well, we could talk about Jazz. jazz is the ultimate expressive art form, I mean come on, when Beiderbecke got hold of that trumpet, he played it like a man possessed. I mean he was a genius………." Howard rattled on, with increasing fervor.

While he was saying this Vince was thinking: "If I were to die today, I'd want the White Rose Movement to play at my funeral. That would be awesome. But I wouldn't be alive to hear them. Hmmmm maybe I should get a crap band to play. Nah, because then people will think I actually liked that crap band when actually…."

"Vince? Vince. What do you think?" asked Howard.

Vince was awakened from his slightly macabre thoughts to find Howard looking at him earnestly.

"Hm? Erm yeah. Probably." said Vince, confused. He managed to fake it though, with a little smile. Ah, life must be so much simpler if you have a pretty face.

"Excellent! So you're in! I finally have a Jazz trio!" said Howard excitedly.

"Oh. OK then."

Vince didn't have the heart to tell him to shove off. He'd found that he'd warmed to the older man. It was odd. Howard would talk and Vince would zone out and somehow their friendship became stronger.

For a few moments they sat in a comfortable silence.

"So, you really like Mrs. Gideon then?" Vince piped up.

He subconsciously rubbed his sore neck. He still felt a little hoarse. That's 'hoarse' not 'horse'. Howard is the 'animal lover' not Vince.

"Yeah, you see Vince ours is a deep love. Deep, like our Jazz minds. That's why we don't admit it. And why she pretends that she doesn't know me. It's the depth of our love that scares her" said Howard.

Vince only smiled in the dark. He would let Howard live with his delusions.

"So have you ever been in love?" asked Howard.

Vince shook his head.

"Nah. I'd rather have fun to be honest" he said.

Howard looked at Vince and urged him to go on.

"Well, why would I want to be in love? It turns people into arseholes." he said

"That's not true" said Howard.

"Really? You nearly squeezed my eyes out today because Gideon was flirting with me." Vince pointed out.

"SHE WAS NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU!" hissed Howard in an angry whisper, so as not to wake the others.

"I rest my case" said Vince leaning back in his seat.

"Well you see, one day, little man. One day you'll be in love" said Howard, sounding like Gandalf. Only with a groovy moustache.

"I very much doubt that" said Vince.

He leaned forward and took a sweet as Howard shook his head. Vince just didn't understand. But maybe one day he would.

Vince's mind was on other things already. Mmmmmm you could really taste the food poisoning in those sweets.

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**Review m'loves. Please. I demand satisfaction!**


	12. Actimel and Tribesmen

**Ok…. Not replied to all reviews (sorry sorry sorry) but I have been very busy with revising and watching MASH and feeling ill so I wrote this while feeling nauseous (damn Co-op cheese and onion sandwich!)**

**Here goes (this is for you, all of you, who are sick of work, revision and you know, breathing)

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**Chapter 12 **

Saboo was pissed off. At 6 AM in the morning, while riding on a magic carpet, slightly sodden with dew, tired and wet, it really wasn't surprising. But he could deal with all these trivial annoyances. If it wasn't for one thing…

"Saboo, you dizzy slag, I asked you to pass me a straw." Tony Harrison rasped.

Saboo leaned over and placed the straw three inches away from Tony. This was well out of Tony's reach.

"For Gods sake. What the hell crawled up your arse and died? I just wanted thebleedingstraw so I can drink me Actimel. If I don't get me Omega 3 then I'm messed up for the rest of the day." he explained.

Being only a head, it was impossible for Tony to lift the drink. And if he picked it up with his mouth he ran the risk of drowning himself in Omega 3 enriched yoghurt. And no one needs that.

"Oh for heavens sake Tony! I'm not your nursemaid. I can't just go running around after you. I mean when it comes to the crunch.." began Saboo

"Oh here we FUCKING go" said Tony Harrison. If there was one thing the behatted shaman could drivel on about for HOURS it was the crunch…

"When it comes to the crunch Tony, when worst comes to worst, what will happen? Hm? I'll tell you, bugger all because I'm running around after you, plying you with straws and faddy health items. Well that's not on, Tony. And if you mess this mission up for me, I swear, I swear Tony I will take you down."

"Why's this so important to you? It's just that Naboo we're following. Nice lad, a bit spaced out but I think he has a certain amount of charm" said Tony.

Saboo sighed. Tony Harrison, the phallus headed berk, would never understand. Saboo leaned over and picked up his clipboard, refusing to continue the line of conversation. He turned to a clean sheet of paper and began to make some notes.

Tony turned back to his yoghurty drink with a shrug. Well, the best imitation of a shrug a head with tentacles could manage.

Tony looked ahead of him, through the misty sky.

"Hey! Isn't that the Screaming Lake of Agony?" he asked.

* * *

"Howard? Howard? Howard? Howard? Howard? Howardddddddd? Howard? HowardHowardHoward? Howard? Howard?" 

Vince Noir was trying to wake Howard Moon from his peaceful slumber. It was a difficult task, as Howard had managed to sleep through most of that morning's disturbances. Like Naboo losing his turban. Like Bob Fossil screaming because Vince hadn't made eggy soldiers. Like Vince nearly having a nervous breakdown because his straighteners wouldn't work.

But Howard had continued to sleep. What was particularly amazing was the fact that he had crashed out on the camper van's only table, where the others had just eaten breakfast. They'd balanced the toast rack on Howard's chest.It hadnt occured to any of just to wake the man, as that would be too logical.

Which was why, when Howard finally did stir, he spared the surrounding area with toast crumbs and little scrapings of butter. He also knocked over a small pot of coffee which spilled on to _'The Shaman's Guide of Tribal Negotiations and Rescue Missions". _The writer senses foreshadowing, as this is the point where a snatch of 'uh oh' music would be played…

"Come on Howard, Naboo says that we're here!" said Vince excitedly.

It seemed that when Howard had finally given into fatigue and parked the camper van the night before, he'd managed to park it literarlly two inches away from a sheer drop into the Lake. Such is the irony.

"Of course we're here. Where else could we be?" said Howard, reasonably and a little sleepily.

"No, he means at the Lake! We're here to… I dunno do summat."

Vince had lost interest in Naboo's debriefing on the details of the mission back at the Zooniverse. If asked, Vince would've said he was pondering on higher things. Maybe he was… but it was far more likely he was thinking about Ziggy Stardust.

Howard shook himself with vigour, to wake himself up. Today would be a good day. A day when manhood is tested. A day when bravery and fear go hand in hand. And a day when Howard Moon was going to get his hands on the treasure of Xantu. A very good day indeed.

_**27 minutes later**_

Howard, Naboo, Vince and Bob Fossil were heading towards a primitive looking settlement on the edge of the Screaming Lake of Agony. The sky hung purpley over the lake, which was a mesmerizing hue of orange. The settlement was like a dark beacon in a pool of screaming colour. The terrain was rocky and the weather was hotly uncomfortable. Great.

Naboo was talking with unusual speed, but still managed to convey his laid back-ness. Hey, shaman can do anything.

"Right, when you meet the Xantunians, be polite. They are a very volatile people. Dixon Bainbridge is being held here because he wronged them in a great way." said Naboo. "So make sure you keep yoyur mouths shut."

Before anyone could ask about the nature of his wrong-ness, they had walked over an embankment and came face to face with tribe's noble leader.

The Xantunian's, according to the _'Shaman's Guide to Beings in the Known and Un Known Universe' _(_condensed Version),_ are a humanoid sized race and have purpley-green skin. They also have long blue hair. They generally where long green robes. The males have long plaited beards, as do the women.

They also speak like Grandma's with tinnitus and broken hearing aids due to their very small ears and lack of a developed hearing sensor in the brain. Their tribes favourite music is 'Simply Red'. It all adds up, you see.

Anyway, Naboo bowed to show his honour for the tribe, and also because he wanted to make sure his shoes were done up. He wasn't really used to walking very far. His stoner attitude meant that he only got up and walked about when it was absolutely necessary.

"Erm…. honourable Chief..:" Naboo only recognized the Chief due to his braided beard which had beads in it. Try saying that fast. Ha, you did. Now you look daft.

Naboo never got to finish his sentence. That was because the Chief staring enraptured at Vince, raised his hand and pointed at the young man.

"Her," he said , loudly, "she will be my wife!"

* * *

**I'm going to leave you dangling there. Hey, I used the word vigour! We should bring it back! Reveiw please, xxxxxxxxxyz**


	13. Unlucky for some Well, Vince

**New chapter at last! The writer's block has gone!**

**Extra special specially thanks with glitter on top to Radar Rox for the help with the rent boy joke… now there's a sentence I never thought I'd write…

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**Chapter 13**

"I'm not happy." said Vince. He didn't so much say it as hiss it through clenched teeth at Howard.

"Look, chill out, we'll sort this." said Howard, trying to calm Vince down. It didn't work…

"Chill OUT? CHILL OUT? What the hell are you on? I'm getting married in 28 minutes to a bloke I don't know, a BLOKE, dressed like this!" Vince yelled.

He gestured down to what he had been man handled in to by a couple of maids. Can you be man handled by a couple of women? Vince felt sure that you could, he had the bruises and scratches to prove it. And the women had more facial hair than Howard.

The 'dress' was vile. It was the kind of green that didn't suit anyone, but everyone seems to have an Auntie who likes to wear sweaters that colour. It was voluminous, with practically no shape other than 'tent like'. It was about 40 sizes to big for Vince. He looked like he was wearing his bed sheet.

His hair had been attacked as well. It had been braided with ugly beads the same sludgy green as the robe thing he was wearing. His head looked like an angry pineapple, and his eyes were murderous.

Vince was to marry the Xantuinian Chief in return for the safe return of Dixon Bainbridge. Only the plan was to grab Bainbridge and leg it before Vince had to marry the bloke, and become his 12th wife.

Howard could see why Vince may not be quite so happy with this plan. After all, if it back-fired, Vince would end up a married man/woman with a tribe to look after.

Howard wondered idly what would happen to himself, Naboo, Bainbridge and Fossil if they were caught. Painful death was the thought that sprung to his mind.

'_Oh Jesus' _thought Howard. If the plan didn't work, it was likely that not only would Vince be forced to marry the Chief bloke, it also meant dire consequences for the rest of them…

"Well think about what we are doing this for, Vince!"

"What are we doing this for?"

"You know what we're doing this for."

"Yeah... but they might have forgotten!" Vince gestured with his arms.

"Who's they?" asked Howard

"The ones that have lost the basic plotline as the author is too lazy to update" said Vince.

"What?"

"I mean… the elves?"

"Look we are doing this for the Treasure of Xantu."

"OK then… and Howard?"

"Yeah" asked Howard. He turned to smile fondly at his friend.

"If I go down I'm taking you titboxes with me." Vince said, and smiled sweetly.

* * *

Saboo could see the mustached companion of Naboo's through the open hut door. He was trying to calm an ugly woman, who was wearing a stupid dress.

Saboo wrote something down on his clip board, looked down and blushed realizing that instead of writing 'incompetence' he'd written 'impotence .

That kind of thing would not look good on his bi-monthly report. And this was going to be an ace one. It seemed Naboo was in trouble. He'd had to swap a companion's hand in marriage for the freedom of the Bainbridge bloke. Tut, tut, Naboo. So unproffesional.

And now, not only had Naboo abandoned two of his companions, putting them in extreme danger, he was also breaking rule 4.2 of the basic Shaman Code which stated…

Tony Harrison wriggled in the papoose that was strapped to Saboo's back.

"Ere, rent boy, do you think you could move your fat head so I can see?" asked Tony, in his raspy voice.

"Rent boy? Why the hell are you calling me a rent boy you pink nonce?" asked Saboo, his attention diverted from Howard and Vince.

"Well in that bloody hat, you should be standing on street corners… what the hell are you doing?" asked Tony furiously.

Saboo had unhooked the papoose straps and hung them on a tree branch. Tony was suspended in mid air, looking like a furious ball of…. fury. The author realises she should have bought a thesaurus but what the heck.

"I'm going to a wedding… Bye!" he called, as Tony yelled furiously at his retreating back.

* * *


	14. Ma Bainbridge

**Chapter 14**

Naboo and Bob Fossil were being led to the hut where Dixon Bainbridge was being held. It was a highly guarded hut (three guards. Three!) but Naboo had a feeling he could take them on.

Not that physical force would be necessary. After all Naboo had his trusty _'The Shaman's Guide of Tribal Negotiations and Rescue Missions' _pocket book on him. Nothing could go wrong. (Oh Dear… remember sod's law. As soon as anyone says 'Nothing can go wrong' it starts to rain, the house sets on fire, or the dinosaurs escape from their enclosure and start eating everyone, except for the irritating kids, who you actually want to die... sorry ranting again!)

While Naboo's thoughts were full of rescue plans (for both Bainbridge and the engaged Vince Noir), Fossil's were full of seeing his Bainbridge again. In fact he was skipping. And singing softly under his breath.

'_I'm going to see ma Bainbridge, ma Bainbridge, ma Bainbridge_

_I'm going to kiss ma Bainbridge, Ma Bainbridge, ma Bainbridge_

_And then we'll eat some cakes' _

"As you can see, the man you seek is being guarded highly." boomed the Chief. Naboo looked up at him. He was trying to work out whether the guy was taking the piss or not. Apparently not.

"Oh yeah.." ventured Naboo. That was pretty much all you could say.

The guards allowed the Chief , Naboo and Fossil to enter the hut. There they were met by Dixon Bainbridge, who was tied to a stick in the ground.

Dixon Bainbridge did not look happy. This was not a dignified position for a man like him to be in. He was dressed in the same traditional wedding gown as Vince had been man (or woman-who could tell?) handled into some minutes earlier. Apart from that, he was his usual bombastic, self important self.

"Who the hell are you?" asked Bainbridge, directing his question at Naboo.

However before the little shaman could reply, Fossil over come with emotion, fell to his knees and crawled over to Bainbridge, yelling at the top of his lungs.

"OH SWEET, MERCIFUL JOHOZEPHAT, WHAT HAVE YOU DOME TO MY BAINBRIDGE! HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HIS BOOBY BOB- BOB!"

Bainbridge sighed and lifted his eyes to the roof. He was used to Fossil's outbursts.

"Not you, you overgrown ape-child. I meant the gypsy chap!"

Bainbridge would've pointed at Naboo, if his hands weren't behind his back. After all, Bainbridge had pointed at stuff while he was at Oxford. He also won the Lord Kitchener Award for Excellence in the field of Pointing. He'd pointed with the pros.

"I'm Naboo, that's who, and I'm here to rescue you." said Naboo. Naboo was impressed with his four way rhyme. He was like a very slow rapper.

"Ah…. NO not yet." said the Chief, eyeing Naboo, from his great height.

"Why not?" asked Naboo

"First… me and my new bride are to be married!" said the Chief.

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**Dun dun durrrrrrrrrn! What WILL happen next? Read the next chapter you berk, and find out!**


	15. Lamentations and terrified Brides

**Chapter 15**

**This chapter is slightly angsty…. but it's Saboo angst. Just imagine it in Moss's voice from the IT Crowd and it'll be funnier!

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Saboo moved stealthily into the Xantuinian camp. He kept to the shadows, like a shadowy creeper.

It wasn't because he was trying to be creepy, it was just because he hadn't shaved in two days and he had that crap moustache thing going on. You know… it cant be passed off as fashionable stubble, and it looks like a malting caterpillar has been stuck to the top lip, by a three year old who has limited use of the Pritt -Stick.

He had seen Naboo enter the hut, and heard some bizarre wailing from inside. Something about a Bobbly blob bob. Anyway it didn't matter. What did matter was that the ugly woman and her tall, mustachioed chaperone, were being led out of the hut.

Actually, in this light, Saboo found himself thinking that the girl would be quite pretty if she wasn't wearing that awful dress. Very pretty in fact… Saboo shook himself. This was a mission, he wasn't supposed to go about fancying women. It wasn't really in his nature anyway.

Women… with their fondness for flowers and make up. They just confused him. Saboo liked data and clip boards. You don't have to seduce a clip board. You don't have to ask a set of numbers what was wrong with it, and the data never said back "If you don't know, then you'll have to work it out because I'm not telling you." You know where you are with stationary.

Still, sometimes the loneliness that tugged at Saboo's heart was too much to bear. It was only then that he would let himself think of her…. but then he would think of what she did, and with whom, and the feeling that he was better off alone returned.

He returned his thoughts to what was happening in the camp. It seemed events were taking an interesting turn.

* * *

Vince Noir wanted to cry. He was dressed like a twat and he was being dragged towards the marriage podium, by two of the largest females he'd ever seen. His trailing feet were making thick tracks in the dirt as he dug his heels into the ground. 

Howard was following them, chewing his lip nervously. He was saying the unhelpful things that people say in bad situations.

"It'll be OK Vince. Naboo, will have thought of something, I'm sure you wont have to get married."

"Oh brilliant, great, as long as YOU'RE sure Howard. That's great, well that's practically a bloody guarantee, isn't it? I'm sure I'm just imagining that I'm being dragged, against my will, to marry a bloke, who I don't know!" Vince could be quite sarcastic when he was upset.

Naboo stood next to the Chief. He was desperately trying to pry open his _'The Shaman's Guide of Tribal Negotiations and Rescue Missions'_ , so he could work out how to negotite the situation,but it was stuck together with some kind of sticky fluid. Suddenly, Naboo had a distressing flashback of that morning's breakfast.

"_Vince? Do you really need to put Space Crackle Candy in the cafitierre?" asked Naboo._

"_Yeah! It's how they are drinking coffee these days! Did you know it creates the stickiest substance on Earth? I mean, if this stuff got stuck between the pages of a book, wow, you'd never, in a million years, be able to pry it open!" _

And then Howard had woken up and knocked the coffee over... onto the book.

'Oh dear..' thought Naboo. 'We are screwed.'

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**Two for the price of One me luverlies! heheh I treat you guys!**


	16. Crunch Time averted

**Chapter 16**

Saboo wanted to see this. It was going to be so good! Naboo failing... when he told the Shaman Council about this… Naboo would have his powers revoked, and finally get his comeuppance.

Saboo would have done an evil laugh, but he didn't want to alert the Xantunians to his presence. That, and the fact he'd never quite perfected the 'Evil Laugh' thing and it always came out sounding more 'Distressed Walrus'.

Saboo had shimmied up a tree, over hanging the dais on which Vince, still trying to claw himself away from his 'bride's maids' (hairy ladies) and the Chief of the Xantunian's were to be married. He had a good view from his vantage point. Also, he could see Howard Moon stood behind Vince, chewing his nails nervously, and Bob Fossil, playing with some dirt and sticks he'd found.

Best of all, he could see Naboo, becoming more and more desperate (as desperate as the usually spaced out shaman could be) by the minute.

In his haste, Saboo hadn't noticed that something was crawling along the branch behind him. Something small, pink and head shaped.

"You bastard!" yelled Tony Harrison from behind Saboo.

Startled, Saboo swung round to see Tony, fuming away on the branch. Tony's head seemed to be glistening with sweat, and what looked like small cuts, and he seemed furious.

"Leave me in my papoose, will you? Hanging from a tree like a common fruit bat? I tell you boy, if I were a younger man, I'd have you away for a start! I could get Social Services on you! Have you done for disability discrimination charges! I only got down from that fucking tree cos some bloody great bird grabbed 'old of me and pulled me out. Look, I'll have fucking scars on me person!" Tony ranted on.

"Tony, will you be quiet! Naboo is just about to reach the Crunch™ and I don't need you going on about you're pathetic little trivialities!" hissed Saboo

"Pathetic! I tell you what's pathetic! You and your Crunch! The fact you capitalised and bloody Trademark it when you say it! I mean what is this stupid ob…."

Tony only stopped raving when he became aware of being watched. He looked down, to see the entire wedding party staring up at him and Saboo.

"Outsiders!" yelled the Chief, and within seconds, Tony and Saboo's tree was surrounded by half a dozen soldiers holding spears.

"Oh shit" exclaimed Tony.

Naboo looked at Howard, Vince and Bob Fossil. The ladies who had been holding onto Vince had let go, startled by the outsiders (one bloke and a head… not really an army of militia men still each to her (his?) own.).

"Leg it!" Naboo hissed, and the three of them began to run, grabbing Fossil as they did so. They headed to Dixon Bainbridge's prison tent.

"Oh it's you gypsy. And you Moon. Why the hell did they bring you ? You hardly seem capable of tying your shoelaces without getting your moustache caught in them." said Bainbridge, still very ungrateful to the people trying to rescue him.

Naboo examined the knots in the rope that Bainbridge was tied to. The knots seemd rather confusing and intricate.

"Oh god, what kind of knots are these?" he asked

"It's a double sheepshank, with a triple overhand." said Vince.

Naboo and Howard stared at him.

"What? I went to scouts. I customized my uniform. Ii got kicked out though, because I used to put patches on that I didn't win. Apparently, you cant win a badge in 'Sex Pistols'."

"Oh great Vince, lets go on a merry trip down memory lane. Meanwhile, let the Xantunian's notice that you've done a Julia Roberts, and let them find us and rip us apart with their spears! How the hell do you get these knots undone?" yelled Howard.

"Well you cant, really. You need a big knife. And Julia Roberts? Didn't pick you as a chick-flick fan Howard." chided Vince.

Howard blushed, realising his reference, and then quickly changed the subject.

"Well how do we get him out of here?" asked Howard.

"Hold up lads…. I've got an idea." Naboo smiled.

**Hehe, Italian Job at the end there. Hurrah! At last! Thanks as always to my faithful reviewers, Radar Rox and Frankie McStein. Love ya! xxxyz**

**P.S A double sheepshank with a triple overhand is an impossible knot to do. : )**


	17. Back in the van

**Chapter 17**

"This is ridiculously undignified!" yelled Dixon Bainbridge, at the top of his fruity voice.

"Don't cry ma'Bainbridge! I'll set you free in two squeezes of a Jif bottle!" Bob Fossil called back to him.

Under his breath, to Howard and Vince he said "If he ends up hurt, I'll rip your eyes out and you'll see them being fed to Tony the Prawn!"

They were back in the van, driving at top speed to the location of the Treasure of Xantu, which Bainbridge had recently divulged. However, after carrying Bainbridge back to the van, the group soon found that the sharpest item they had to hand was a pair of nail scissors and a spork (spoon/fork combo, used when people go camping for some reason).

Neither of these were capable of cutting through the thick rope that lashed Bainbridge to the post. So they had to use Naboo's plan, which was to attach Bainbridge to the roof rack, until they were able to free him from his bonds.

This was why Bob Fossil was leaning out of the van window, shouting to Bainbridge telling him everything would be OK.

Howard and Vince sat in the front of the van, as Naboo rested in the small kitchenette area thing.

Vince had managed to get those beads out of his hair and he had grabbed his clothes before they'd left the camp at top speed. With the application of a stylish belt, boots and jacket, the dreadful outfit now looked positively funky.

"Well Vince, that was quite an adventure." said Howard, in a knowing way.

"You what? Enduring burning heat, to nearly be married to some scary looking weirdo then legging it when some bloke and a head up a tree caused a disturbance?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, I spose. Tell you something though, I don't think much to my new boss." said Vince grinning.

"Yeah well, by the looks of it he nearly suffered the same fate as you, judging by that outfit." Howard said. Bainbridge, it seemed, had tried to run away from his own marriage ceremony to the Chief.

"Yeah I know, don't you hate when you turn up somewhere, and someone is wearing the same thing as you?"

They laughed, and then sat quietly, watching the dusty moonlit road ahead of them. They were both a bit tired, after all the running, while carrying a 200 pound man on a stick.

"So where exactly are we heading?" asked Vince, after a moment.

"It's a little cave in which the Treasure of Xantu is hidden. It's just on the end of this road." said Naboo, walking up behind them, with two cups of tea in his hands.

"Cheers, Naboo" said Vince, taking the mugs from him. "Hang on, how come you aren't been thrown about like a parsnip in the tide?"

It was true; the tiny Shaman had perfect balance, despite the poor condition of the road.

"Oh, well after years of, you know, you kind of get used to the world around you being a bit shaky. This is fairly normal for me. I mean it's worse after you've smoked half a pound of weed and then you realise you have to get home without falling off your magic carpet." explained Naboo.

Vince nodded.

"Well I too have remarkable poise" said Howard, as he took his tea from Vince and promptly spilled it all over his trousers as he attempted to drive one handed.

"Yeah, whatever" said Vince, smiling, as he took a sip of his own tea. He leaned over and passed the cursing Howard a packet of tissues, and took his tea mug from him.

"Thanks."

Vince smiled and looked ahead out of the windscreen again.

"Hey. Is that the cave?" he asked.

**Well Vince, you'll just have to wait for the next chapter to find out… **


	18. The Cave of Xantu

**Chapter 18**

The van pulled up and stopped outside of the cave. Howard, Vince and Naboo existed the van and headed to the cave opening, leaving Bob Fossil tending to Dixon Bainbridge, who was still tied to the roof rack

"Christ, it's dark in there!" exclaimed Howard to Naboo.

"Here, have one of these." said Vince, handing his two friends a stake of wood, which was burning at the top ( you know, like the one's they use in all them films.)

"Where'd you get those from?" asked Howard.

"Off him." replied Vince, pointing to a man, sat at a small kiosk, surrounded by burning stakes of wood. The kiosk had a small sign bearing the legend _'Burning Stakes of Wood: to make your journeys into Dark Caves like the one's you see in movies!'. _

"Alright?" said the bloke, in the kiosk, and then he leaned back in his chair to read the sports page in The Mirror.

"Oh." said Howard.

They entered the cave and walked for about ten meters. Vince suddenly noticed something odd.

"Howard… are you _holding my hand_?" he asked the darkness.

"Oh! Is that your hand… I thought it was the edge of the cave." replied Howard.

"No it's my hand, and you're still holding it."

"Will you two be quiet? I think we're nearly there." said Naboo.

Suddenly, they entered a wider part of the cave, which was bathed in moonlight, from the hole in the ceiling. Directly under the beam of moonlight, sat a gold4en casket, on a sort of alter of rock.

"Oh you're here!" said a voice from behind them.

They turned and the saw an old man, with a long white beard. He was wearing a long robe and was carrying a pen and a piece of parchment.

"We've come for the Treasure, the Shaman Council has need of it." said Naboo.

"Oh yes, I know, I got a call the other day. I offered to FedEx it to the council, but I know how fond they are of their quests! If you'd be so kind as to sign here."

He handed Naboo the pen and parchment, and Naboo scrawled 'Care of Shaman Council' on it.

"Lovely, I'll file that!" The old man smiled at them. "Well that's my job done! Guarding that treasure for the last three hundred years! I can finally take that trip to the Isle of White!"

"So… that's it?" asked Howard.

"Yes."

"No… puzzles to solve? No hidden stairways to find? No invisible floors to walk across?"

"No, young man. Honestly what kind of films do you watch?" asked the old man.

"Howard likes chick-flicks." said Vince, with a grin.

"I do not!"

"Well thanks for letting us have the treasure er…" began Naboo.

"Nigel."

"Well thanks Nigel, anytime you need a favour, just give me a ring." said Naboo.

"OK!" said Nigel.

"C'mon you two!" called Naboo, as he picked up the casket and turned to leave. Howard and Vince were still arguing about Howard's film preferences. Howard insisted he'd seen Pulp Fiction 'at least twelve times'. Vince argued that he only watched the bits with Uma Thurman in them.

Then a thought struck Naboo. He turned back to Nigel.

"You remind me of someone you know, Nigel." he said to the man.

"Well, I'm fairly sure we've never met before. Oh and Naboo? It's not over yet you know."

"What isn't it?" asked Naboo. But it was too late, Nigel had already dematerialized.

"That was weird!" said Vince.

"Yeah… let's go." said Naboo. then another thought struck him. _How did he know my name? _

**It's not over yet guys. Please review!**


	19. Chapter with really rambly note

**Wow, I never thought I'd get here, guys! But thanks to my lovely reviewers, I have! Anyway, this is a special ramble, especially for one Frankie McStein, who thinks that I have abandoned you all. I promise I haven't!**

**The reason I stopped doing this rambly thing at the start of chapters was that I thought it was putting the people off reading the chapter, cos as soon as they know I'm as mad as a fish on poppers, they may sort of tune off and not read it. And that's the reason I'm writing, so people will read it.**

**Anyway, I don't think Nigel is character on the Boosh, but I'm not sure really…maybe he is. Maybe I'm just ripping them off! Oh well, I'll expect a law suit at the end of the month then. **

**As ever, big love and thanks to my lovely and faithful reviewers, Frankie McStein and Radar Rox, and also thanks to brand spanking new reviewer, Milky Joe. I'm glad you guys enjoy the story, it's always great to get feedback! Also, Corrine, I doubt it's going to slip into slash this late in the game. Maybe it could just end on a big shamanic orgy, but I doubt it!**

**Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, stand back because Chapter 19 is here and it's coming at you like a goat dressed in a sheet so it looks like the ghost of a goat… I should have thought that one through, shouldn't I?**

**Chapter 19**

"So…." said Vince as they made their way out of the cave.

It felt like an anti-climax somehow. After all that faffing about, all that traveling, after all that effort of trying to make a bloody green tent-Hessian thing look fashionable, it seemed inconceivable that it was now over.

Naboo walked on ahead of Howard and Vince, holding the casket to his chest. He was still pondering over Nigel. The guy seemed vaguely familiar, but the name was wrong… it didn't really make much sense.

The three of them reached the cave entrance and turned to each other, slightly awkwardly. It was obvious what Howard and Vince wanted to know. What was the Treasure of Xantu?

"What is the Treasure of Xantu?" asked Howard.

Naboo opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by a voice behind him.

"The Treasure of Xantu is a sacred and mystical relic for all Shaman and is not to pored over by mortal simpletons."

Howard, Vince and Naboo all turned round to see Saboo standing there. He looked like he'd been dragged through several hedges backwards. Then thrown into a pond and the dragged through several hedges forwards, for good measure.

He pointed an accusing finger at Naboo and then smiled a smug little smile. He may not have been able to do evil laughs, but having spent years as the class snitch, he had that smug little smile thing down to a fine art.

"I suggest you hand over the Treasure, Naboo." he said, kind of like a crap James Bond villain. If James Bond films had nerdy shamen in them. Which to be honest, would make them a damn sight more interesting.

"Why should we give it to you?" asked Naboo. He was pissed of with Saboo, always following him about, waiting for him to trip up. And Naboo knew exactly why.

"Because if you don't… I'll let them deal with you." said Saboo, pointing to something behind Howard and Vince.

There, looking extremely angry and scruffy, stood the Xantuinian tribe, all holding spears, pointing them fiercely at Howard, Vince and Naboo.

"And after all, they were just about to flay your other little friend for cheating at cards and then skipping out on his own wedding to the Chief's daughter." said Saboo, his grin widening.

One of the bearded women who'd man handled Vince into his dress started to cry, loudly. Apparently this was the Chief's daughter. Howard and Vince could understand why Bainbridge had tried to leg it.

"I can only imagine what they will do to the man who tried to steal the Treasure of Xantu for his own gain." Saboo finished triumphantly.

"I'm doing this for the Shaman Council!" yelled Naboo.

"Oh, I know that. Unfortunately, I told the tribe differently, and they're so deaf, they wont be able to hear your pathetic sob story." said Saboo, flashing a smile that said 'I've won' at Naboo and the others.

"Naboo… I think we should give him what he wants." said Howard in a quiet voice. "I'm too young to die! I've got so much to give!"

Naboo looked Saboo straight in the eye.

"This is all about her, isn't it?" said Naboo

"Who?" asked Saboo, but the embarrassment in his voice was obvious to everyone, even the moth that was trying to get off with a particularly attractive lock of Vince's hair.

"Jools. My best friend from Shaman College . You do remember her, don't you? Oh yes, of course you do, you spent most of your time stalking her."

"I did not!" yelled Saboo with all the indignation of a four year old who's been caught eating all the marzipan on the wedding cake. Saboo practically had metaphorical icing around his mouth.

"Oh, no, I think you did. I remember quite clearly the day that Jools and I went on a magic carpet ride and how later you tried to strangle me with a dressing gown cord because you thought we'd done something more than just enjoy the view. Which, by the way we didn't."

Saboo stared at him. The little bastard. How had he known all that time?

Naboo carried on. "That was quite funny really, you getting all jealous like that, seeing as you never plucked up the courage to talk to her. Though I do remember you peaking into her dorm window that one time, while her dad was there. He wasn't too happy."

This was quite literally the longest speech Naboo had ever made, but it was having the desired effect, so the little stoner didnt mind putting in the extra effort. He could have a nap later, restore some of his strength.

Naboo was amazed at what an effect his speech had on Saboo. He seemed to deflate, like a bouncy castle which has fallen afoul of a toddler with a pen knife.(Not that many toddlers have pen knives, and even if they did I doubt they'd be able to... author returns to reality)

"That… that's not even…… that's all lies." said Saboo.

"Oh no it isn't."

Everyone turned again to see where the voice was coming from. Howard and Vince were getting slightly dizzy, with all this turning. Why couldn't everyone just be stood in the one place?

Nigel, holding a small suitcase with stickers that said 'Swindon' and 'I've been to Crich Tramway Museum' on it, was back.

Saboo stared at Nigel in amazement.

"Mr. Blanc?" asked Saboo.

**Well I'll leave it there. Dangling. Juicily. Please review! It means a lot.**

**P.S Crich Tramway Museum is a real place. If you're ever in North Derbyshire, I suggest you go visit it because it's quite interesting. **

**No, really. **


	20. Nigel's true identity

**Sorry I've been away for so long... just started A Levels and stuff, life's a bit crazy! But I cannot leave my darling boosh for too long, I have to come crawling back!!**

**Wow, chapter 20!!! 20 whole chapters! weeps emotionally **

**Thank you to my fabulars reviewers!! I love you so much! I'd marry you if you'd let me! I'd be a good wife, I'm housetrained and everything. **

**Thank you for the wonderful support! Only a few more chappies to go!!! **

**Ok…. and on with the story!!!

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**Chapter 20**

"Mr. Blanc?" asked Howard and Vince in simultaneous confusion.

Poor Howard and Vince… nothing really made sense any more. They had been beset by tribes, shamen and… some ancient guy called Nigel Blanc.

"Mr. Blanc!" said Naboo, as recognition of the old man set in.

It was Mr. Blanc (no shit!). This man had been Naboo and Saboo's Alchemy teacher at Shaman College. Ah… Mr. Blanc… the teacher that would tell you stories that didn't go anywhere, but somehow managed to eat up the whole lesson. He tended to hand back marked homework covered in coffee stains and give out sweets to the best students. In short, Mr. Blanc was a legend.

"It's good to see you again Sir!" said Naboo.

"It's good to see you too, lad. You haven't changed a bit! Neither have you, Saboo." Nigel added, with an edge to his voice.

"What did I tell you Nige?" said a disembodied voice, from the papoose strapped to Nigel's back. It was in fact the disembodied voice of the disembodied head of Tony Harrison.

"Tony… sh—ugar lumps." said Saboo.

"Yes! You festering little toe rag! Leaving me to fend for myself! I barely got away from that tribe, they had pointy sticks and everything! Lucky Nige was walking past and heard me yelling for your blood." said Tony, going red in the face.

Not that you could tell, because he was bright pink anyway, but if you felt his head, you'd probably think he was a couple of degrees hotter than usual. Not that I suggest you go around feeling people's heads. Most people don't think it's 'polite'.

"Yes Saboo, I remember you, your petty sneakiness, your cruelties… and your obsession with my daughter!" said Nigel, also going red in the face, but you could tell now. Especially as he had long white hair, the colours were quite complimentary.

"I thought he was obsessed with your friend, Jools?" whispered Vince to Naboo.

"Yeah, Jools is Nigel's daughter. That's how we got away with doing absolutely nothing in Alchemy." explained Naboo.

"He has a kid?" asked Howard gesturing to the man who stood before him. "He's seventy million years old!" What Howard was thinking inwardly was '_He's seventy million years old and **he** managed to impregnate someone. I can't even get the girl of my dreams to remember my name!'_

"Not quite, I think he's just reaching his third millennium" said Naboo.

"Millennium?" asked Vince

"Shh! Something's happening!" whispered Naboo.

"Nigel-" Saboo was reasoning.

"Mr. Blanc, to you."

"Mr. Blanc… I was only helping out the Shaman Council! Naboo here was breaking dozens of rules and-"

"Oh… _Naboo's_ the one breaking the rules is he?" asked Tony Harrison, a slightly odd edge to his voice. As if he knew something…. and not just what they put in Bonjela to make it taste so damn lovely.

Saboo stayed silent but looked shifty.

"Because Nigel just told me something interesting…. something very interesting, about you. I know that you missed… a DETENTION!!!" yelled Tony

Everyone gasped, and then felt a bit silly, because Saboo was obviously past the age of being made to sit in a room for and hour and 'think about what he'd done' (unless he was married of course.)

"Urm… does it really matter now?" asked Howard.

"Of course it matters! Shamanic law states that all punishments should be fulfilled! And Saboo owes me a detention. Legally he shouldn't be allowed to be a member of the Shaman council until he fulfills his detention duty." said Nigel.

"Ok, look, we'll get our diaries out; I'll pencil you in for, say, Thursday? We can have a nice detention, a little chat with some biscuits and then- NOW!! ATTACK THEM NOW XANTUNIANS!! THEY HAVE THE TREASURE!!!!!" yelled Saboo

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**Ooo he's a wrong 'un as me gran would say! Reveiws always welcome!!**


	21. Everybody loves Nigel

**Wow… 21 Chapters!! That's like… 21 Chapters! Thanks to all my beautiful reviewers, you are all lovely and I will buy you an ice cream, if I ever meet you. I cant believe it... we are nearly at an end! But don't worry... there are some more surprises in store!! Such a dangler…

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**Chapter 21 **

The Xantunians didn't move a muscle. Well, one of them coughed, another scratched their nose and one of the little Xantunians tried to play with it's mother's beard.

Saboo tried again. "They have the treasure! The Treasure of Xantu! That you are sworn to protect! You should be tearing them limb from limb!"

Howard and Vince raised their eyebrows at each other. It was actually quite embarrassing to be stood there, watching Saboo make more and more of a tit of himself. He was actually jumping up and down in a rage now. Naboo almost felt sorry for him.

"For the God's Sakes!!!" he was yelling.

The Xantunians were somewhat perplexed as to what Saboo wanted them to do.

"But its Nigel!" said the Chief. "He helps me with the Cryptic Crossword!"

"He gave me a beard comb!" piped up a female.

"He taught me how to play the flute!" called someone else.

"He showed me why we aren't supposed to eat ear wax!"

All of a sudden, every one of the Xantunians was piping up with their defense of Nigel Blanc. It was actually quite touching, until Saboo went mad again.

"Ok fine! If no one else will help me I'll… I'll... IT'S CRUNCH TIME!!"

Everyone gave Saboo a funny look. He was quite severely disheveled, he'd somehow got weeds in his hair, his jacket was ripped and his hat was off at an angle which was too rakish to be stylishly so. His crap moustache looked even worse in the glowing moonlight and his eyes were frighteningly wide. He looked like a berk.

Nigel walked up behind him and patted his shoulder.

"That's enough, lad, that's enough. I think you need to calm down." said Nigel, in a soft, fatherly voice. He then turned called to the Xantunians.

"Marcus? Jean Paul? Get this lad some paper, a pen and a desk. He's got Five thousand lines to write for me by tomorrow morning."

Saboo collapsed to his knees in utter defeat moaning something that sounded like _'All because I peaked in her bedroom window... I didn't even see anything!'_

Marcus and Jean Paul picked Saboo up and, along with the rest of the tribe, began to head back to the Village. The Chief hung back, to talk to Nigel.

"So…my old friend, you must leave us?" he said, sadly.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. But don't worry, we'll always have Sudoku!" Nigel replied. They both laughed. They shared a manly hug.

The Chief then turned to Vince.

"Ah… my dear. I shall be sad to lose you, but this is not your world. You shall always be the one who got away!" the Chief then performed a typical Xantuinian act of affection, in which the male licks the female's eyebrows.

Vince, slightly grossed out managed to stammer a half hearted 'Uhh.. yeah' while thinking 'What would Bowie Do?' to stop himself from screaming in complete disgust.

"And you! Wise Shaman! The Xantunians will forever be indebted to you, for keeping the Treasure of Xantu in noble hands" said the Chief to Naboo.

"It was a pleasure, mate." said Naboo, who quickly held out his hand for the Chief to shake. He didn't want any eyebrow action. The Chief shook it with vigour, almost knocking the tiny shaman off his feet.

"And thanks to you, Tony, we knew that Nigel might've been in danger." said the Chief, with a bow.

"Ahh that's alright. It'd been an outrage if old Nige had any trouble from that bleedin' upstart." he grinned, his tentacles glinting in the moonlight.

"And you…" said the Chief, turning to Howard.

Howard waited, expectantly, for the Chief to extol praise and thanks unto him.

"Well… you were also there." said the Chief, nodding at Howard slightly embarrassedly. Then he turned on his heel and began to march back towards the village.

"Goodbye my friends!" he called.

"Bye!" everyone except Howard, who was feeling miffed, replied.

The remaining group all stood, there, grinning for a while. Vince fumbled in his pocket and produced a tissue, with which he wiped his eyebrows. At that moment, his mobile began to blare out 'Cars' by Gary Numan. He looked apologetically at everyone, and then walked off slightly, to take the call.

"Well, I guess we had better get this to the Shaman Council, for the Ceremony" said Nigel, gesturing to the Treasure of Xantu. He then looked at Howard. "And of course, you and Vince are welcome too. You shall have your reward!"

Howard had to resist rubbing his hands together in gleeful anticipation. He didn't notice that when Vince returned to the group, he had a half happy, half worried and half confused expression on his face. Despite the fact that his expression was made up of three halves and the surplus half kept jostling for position on his boney face…..

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**Please Review!! It's nearly Christmas; it'd be a nice early present for me!! - **


	22. Treasure Time!

**Well here we are; the big 22. Thanks as always to all the fantabulastic reviewers and their words of sweetness and light. You are all truly BRILLIANT people and I hope you have a fantastic Christmas/Divali/Ramadam/Winter Solstice(or any other holiday or celebration you have, have a great one!)

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**Chapter 22**

**_Three hours later…_**

The carpet touched down near Shaman HQ. Howard and Vince, both slightly wired from the journey, skittered off the mat like two excited schoolkids. Vince found he had to restrain himself from yelling 'Again, again!' in the manner of a three year old who's just been on the helter- skelter.

Naboo slid off the carpet with ease and grace, Nigel stood up and his knees cracked like pistol shots and Tony shuffled in his papoose.

"We'll that was a good journey… except when we had to stop to get the carpet dry cleaned." said Nigel

They all looked accusingly at Tony.

"I said sorry a fousand times, din'd I? I told you I get travel sick sometimes" the pink shaman pointed out.

Naboo picked up the Treasure of Xantu.

"Come on… we've got a Ceremony to get to." he lisped.

They headed towards a clump of trees, where blue, red, yellow and green light was glowing. Howard and Vince were preparing themselves for a reverential Shamanic ritual, passed down for centuries by these magical people….

… however when Naboo drew back some of the dense foliage they became aware that it was actually, or at least appeared to be, a massive… well..

It was a huge Shamanic Piss Up.

Everywhere they looked there were shaman and shawomen drinking liquids of every colour under the sun, throwing up, getting off with each other, falling out with each other, and generally have a bloody good time. The lights turned out to be fairy lights, strung up in the trees to give the clearing a festive look. Tinsel and glitter balls hung off the branches and festooned the woodland with garish sparkles. It looked brilliant, to Vince at least, who generally got distracted by shiny things.

"Nige.. Nige-ell… Aye up!" said the head of the Board of Shaman, clearly out of his skull on some sort of shamanic hooch. He was swaying as he walked, and his headdress was off kilter. He half staggered, half fell into Nigel's arms.

"You.. are like.. my bescht friend.. I mean you are jusht so great and your hair ish shiny.." he swayed and steadied himself.

"We've brought the Treasure of Xantu." said Naboo, happy to be at the party at last. And it didn't look like Saboo would be coming either. It was going to be a brilliant Ceremony.

"Ok.. brilliant Naboo, you little pixie man, you! And thank you, thank you for keeping that bloody S… Shabo… SCHaboo out of my bloody way.. he always ruins the party season. So I schent him away, din' I? To follow you.. shorry if he got in your way at all." slurred the drunken High Shaman.

He picked up the Treasure, and carried it to the High Alter, being carefully followed by the group all the way, with Nigel at the ready to catch him any second.

"Sh!!! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" the High Shaman hissed at everyone. The drunken revelry stopped immediately, as all the shamen and shawomen saw the Treasure of Xantu.

"Now… our brave.. and beautiful Naboo has brought us back the Treasure!", said the Shaman, at which the rest of the crowd broke out into loud applause. Howard and Vince did to, the atmosphere of excitement was infectious.

"He has brought us… THE SACRED RECORD COLLECTION!!!"

Everyone was screaming whoops of delight as Howard and Vince simultaneously said 'WHAT?!'

True enough, the Treasure Box, which both Howard and Vince now noticed did look remarkably like the record cases DJs carry with them to gigs (except this one was covered in gold and jewels, not stickers for 'New-Rave Glo-Stix Co.' or 'Palpitating Records'.

The Shaman began to pull disco hit after hit out of the case… 'Satisfaction' by the Stones… 'Telegram Sam' by T-Rex... right up to Hot Chip's 'Over and Over'. It was crazy, and the Shaman DJ began to spin like a motha-bitch as soon as the vinyl hit the pin. The party had officially begun.

Nigel and Tony stood next to Vince, Howard and a sheepish looking Naboo.

"So," asked Howard, angrily, "When were you going to tell us that we risked our lives for a _record collection_?

"Uhmm… well the thing is…" Naboo trailed off, avoiding Howard's gaze.

"Hey… this is cool!" said Vince.

"What?" asked Howard, incredulously.

"Well, yeah, OK, maybe we didn't get real treasure.. but hey, we got a party. And you know… we made friends on the journey. Maybe that's the real treasure." reasoned the cockney scamp.

"Well thanks for that, Dawson's Creek." said Howard, snippily.

"Come on Howard, loosen up!" said Nigel, snagging a tray full of passing cocktails (someone was carrying them, they weren't just floating. Although anything can happen at a shaman do) and passing them round, plonking a straw into Tony's.

"Yeah well.." said Howard taking a sip. It tasted like strawberry ice cream mixed with tears of angels (i.e good enough to get you drunk within 8 seconds)

"I'm sorry Howard. And I'm sorry Vince I didn't mean to deceive.. you … 2…" said Naboo, trailing off. Two… only two? Weren't there more at one point?

"Ahh doesn't matter, lets have a party!" yelled a tipsy Howard, throwing his arms around Naboo and Vince.

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_**Back near the Cave of Xantu….**_

"UNTIE ME YOU YANKIE-DOODLE HALF WIT!" yelled Dixon Bainbridge, who was indeed still tied to the stake.

Bob Fossil was running around like he was about to have kittens.

"It's ok ma'Bainbridge! They said they'd be back soon!" Fossil said, wringing his hands and wondering whether to start biting through Bainbridge's bonds with his teeth.

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**Please review! Merry Christmas everybody!**


	23. Set your faces to stunned

**Wow! Thanks everyone, Big love to all the fantibulishous reviewers! Specuially Corrineipops, blackrosesblackblood (your name reminds me of 'Obsidian Blackbird McNight' which is not a bad thing… mmmmmmVince!) and Mona! You are new! Welcome to the party! Have some lo-cal Lime flavoured soft drink and some barbiturates! No.. it's not the last chapter, not yet! A couple more to go! Everyone, have a Twiglet!!! Just one mind, I'm not made of money…**

**If you've forgotten who Jools is already, I'll turn my back on you. Which will be difficult, because then the keyboard will be behind me…

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**Chapter 23**

_**Seven Hours Later…**_

"So how've you been, Naboo?" asked Nigel.

The party had mellowed. 'Clap your hands say Yeah!' was on the turntable and even the most drunken of the revelers had found a comfortable spot beneath the trees to have a nap/pass out in a drunken stupor.

Naboo and Nigel had retired to a small wooden bench and were having a catch up chat over mugs of coffee. Naboo was quite proud of himself finding coffee at a party where it was easier to score Class A drugs than a simple hot caffeine beverage.

Naboo grinned, slightly, and then felt his face drop. "Well… not a lot, actually. Business has been pretty slow and I can't really go back to Xooberon. I've been a bit down I guess. I rang Jools last month… only got her personal secretary though."

Nigel sighed. "Well she does have a very demanding job. I haven't…" he trailed off.

"What?" asked Naboo his face full of concern. Not literally, though, otherwise his face would be like a big bucket with concern in it. Which wouldn't be nice, would it?

"The thing is... Jools and I… we haven't spoken in three decades." said Nigel, staring off into the middle distance.

"What?" said Naboo again, but this time his voice sort of broke as he said it so it came out 'Whurrt?' and went up at the end. Which was embarrassing for him. Fortunately, Tony Harrison was asleep on Nigel's knee, mumbling slightly about jam and sponges. And Nigel wasn't really paying attention to him now.

"It's her job… and other things, we'd been growing apart." Nigel sounded more like he was reasoning with himself rather than trying to explain the situation to Naboo.

" But she's your daughter! You need to talk to her. Straighten things out. Before it's too late." Naboo insisted.

Nigel smiled faintly.

"I'll try." he said and took a sip of his coffee.

"Cos if you don't, before you know it, it will be too late. And she will have forgotten about all the important stuff you did together and… SHIT!" yelled the tiny shaman as he realised something he had forgotten.

"We need to get Howard and Vince! We forgot Fossil and Bainbridge!" he said, while hopping about. He then turned and legged it.

"We forgot to fossilize what in Cambridge?" asked Nigel of Naboo's retreating back.

* * *

Howard and Vince were both still a little drunk. They were staggering through the forest, singing. Neither of them were singing the same thing, or to the right tune, but they were both happy enough. After a while they flopped down beneath an oak tree, still giggling . 

Vince picked up a stick.

"HowardHowardHoward!" he said excitedly.

"What?" asked Howard.

"Look! It's a stick!"

Howard looked at the stick and started laughing in a silly drunk way. Vince joined in.

"It bloody is as well! "laughed Howard. "Look at that stick!"

Vince tried to wave at the stick but used the hand that the stick was in. Consequentially, the stick flew out of his wavey hand flew into a nearby thicket.

"Oh no! My stick!" Vince moaned. He sounded genuinely upset.

"Oh your poor stick. I'll buy you another one." Howard said, soothingly.

"Yeah… but you don't have to Howard…They're quite expensive... I mean it's not like they grow on trees!" Vince started giggling uncontrollably.

Howard joined in and pretty soon the stick saga was forgotten.

"Ah…Howard.. I've got something to tell you." Vince said, after he eventually managed to stop guffawing over something which, frankly, wasn't at all funny in the first place. Unless your bloodstream, like Howard and Vince's were at the time, 70 percent proof.

"What? You haven't found a new stick already, have you?" Howard asked, earnestly and then started laughing again.

"Ha.. no. Howard.,. the thing is… uhm. Shit…I don't know how to tell you this-" he began.

"What?" asked Howard, also suddenly serious.

"Well... earlier the band rang me and-" Vince started to explain.

"Wow! That is amazing! How did you get reception all the way out at the Lake of Xantu?" asked Howard.

"Well, you see I've got this satellite hook-up thing for my phone which allows me to.. it's not important. Look Howard the band rang me to tell me they.. that they.." Vince couldn't finish the sentence.

"They what?" asked Howard.

"They want me back." Vince said, in a rush. It sounded more like 'Theywantmeback' and Howard was about to ask what they wanted Vince's back for. But then it hit him.

"Oh… so what did you say?" Howard asked, trying to keep the dejected tone out of his voice.

"Well-" Vince began

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**And I think we'll stop there! - Nighty Nighty! Please review!**


	24. Back Home

**This is for all you lovely folks out there… the penultimate chapter! Thanks for the mountains of support! Everyone, have some pie!!!

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**Chapter 24**

Howard and Vince sat next to each other in the van, listening to the low hum of the engine.

Dixon Bainbridge, who had been complaining about everything that'd happened to him in the past forty eight hours (being driven about on top of a van tied to a log. then abandoned with a man-child) had finally dropped off to sleep (although Naboo's herbal sleep tablets dissolved in his tea did help quite a bit). Fossil was also asleep, on the floor next to Bainbridge's bunk, sucking his thumb, his leg twitching every now and then as he dreamed of chasing rabbits. Or something.

Naboo was still awake and was sat at the small kitchenette table in the van. He was thinking about the whole Jools situation and found it was very hard to get the image of Nigel, as they left him at the party, out of his head.

"_Well Naboo, I hope to see you soon!" said Nigel, with mock cheeriness. _

"_Yeah… see you soon Nigel… and talk to her, yeah?" said Naboo, with feeling._

"_I'll… I'll try." Then Nigel had smiled a weary, sad smile and waved at them as Naboo, Vince and Howard set off back to the Cave of Xantu on the magic carpet. _

Howard and Vince… they'd been unusually quiet, Naboo considered. Had they fallen out about something? Naboo shook himself. _'What do I care?_' he thought to himself _'In a few hours, I'll leave, go traveling, catch up with people…_' he sighed, wondering if that were true.

Howard changed gear and coughed slightly. Vince played with a couple of sweet wrappers, holding them in front of his eyes and changing them quickly, to see if they made stuff look like a kaleidoscope. They didn't, they only made Vince look a bit simple.

"Vince?"

Vince turned to look at Howard, with a Werther's Original Wrapper stuck to his eyebrow, which he hastily removed.

"So… what did you decide?" asked Howard, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice and failing.

Because the truth was, Howard wanted Vince to stay. He'd grown fond of him, and had begun to think working with him would be fun. Also, he made good cups of tea, which is always a bonus.

"Oh yeah, I've been thinking it over..," Vince began.

"And?" asked Howard.

"I think... maybe I could pull of a shorter style, maybe with a few feathery layers and a sort of Morrissey-ish fringe. I'd need highlights though, with my bone structure, it'd really set it off. " said Vince.

Howard stared at him for a moment, before he realised that Vince was, in fact, talking about a haircut.

"What? No I meant about the zoo!"

"Howard… I was always going to stay. That's what I was going to tell you before! I mean the band… they're Ok I guess but they don't understand my musical direction. And… they aren't really OK they're a bunch of wankers! They chucked me out!"

Howard couldn't suppress the smile that spread across his features. Vince couldn't help but join in.

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It was early morning when they reached the Zooniverse, the glowing fingers of dawn were just creeping across the grey sky. Vince yawned and stretched, cat like, in his seat. Howard staggered out of the driver's door and seemed unbelievably happy that after so many hours solidly driving, he was still capable of walking.

Bainbridge had woken up and walked straight out of the side door of the van, not even uttering a word of thanks to his intrepid rescuers and only saying something like 'bloody hippy woman' when Vince accidentally got in his way.

Fossil had woken to find that Bainbridge had already exited the vehicle. He ran after the mustachioed Zoo proprietor yelling 'Ma'Bainbridge! You left your Bobby Sleep-time Boy!'

Naboo was the last to get out of the van. He, Howard and Vince listened to London's version of the dawn chorus (replace the sweet harmonious sound of birds with the wail of car alarms, police cars and dogs barking at nothing in particular) as they all stood together, none of them quite knowing what to say.

Naboo eventually broke the silence.

"I best be getting off… stuff to do." he said, wondering if he did actually have anything to do.

"Well… See ya, Naboo." said Howard, shaking the tiny shaman's hand.

"Bye" Naboo replied.

"Bye Naboo!" said Vince, flinging his arms round the smaller man. "Stay in touch yeah?" he added.

Naboo managed to get free of Vince's embrace. "I'll try… I mean.. yeah, course I will!"

The shaman grinned at Vince and Howard, his normally impassive features radiating a warm emotion. Vince and Howard waved as Naboo mounted his carpet and flew away, into the pink dawn.

"So…. you fancy some toast?" asked Howard.

"Yeah, I'll have a slice." replied Vince and they headed into the Zoo.

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**Stay tuned for the final installment! Please leave a review! **


	25. It's the end, but is it really the end?

**Chapter 25 **

_About 3 days later…_

Vince sat at the small table in the keeper's hut, sewing a _Kiss Army _badge onto the sleeve of his Zooniverse uniform.

Howard was napping on the sofa, after a stressful morning of gibbon taming, one of Fossil's insane ideas, which involved Howard dressed up as a lion tamer, carrying a small deck chair and trying to get gibbons to jump through hoops.

So far, Howard had about 154 bruises and a massive headache, brought on by a rouge gibbon nicking the chair and whacking Howard over the head with it.

Vince had enjoyed his first few days of work at the Zooniverse. All the staff were welcoming, especially Mrs. Gideon. Vince had a sneaking suspicion that she'd taken a shine to him.

But Vince was most pleased about meeting the ape, Bollo. He was certainly a more interesting animal to chat to than a lot of people (including some of the girls he'd dated.)

Vince had just finished stitching when there was a knock on the door. Howard woke up with an 'Oh no, Mrs. Gideon, we can't do that, not in the Chameleon Boudoir!'

"I thought you loved her for her mind!" called Vince as he went to answer the door.

Vince was extremely surprised to see Naboo, the shaman, stood outside the door, grinning.

"Hey!" said the pointy faced one to the shaman.

"Alright?" asked Naboo.

"Yeah… come in! What you doing here?" asked Vince.

"Well.. I sort of work here now, as well." said Naboo.

Naboo had realised that, after he'd left the Zooniverse three days previously, he wanted to come back. He'd headed back to Xooberon, to try and see if he could reach Jools and finding that her schedule was booked up. He had knew that had lots of friends, but he didn't feel like going to them.

In fact, he felt surprised when he realised where he actually wanted to be. Working at a run down Zoo with a couple of mortal simpletons.

Of course, Naboo didn't tell Howard and Vince this. He just explained that he wanted a 'London Base for his Shaman Business' and had taken the job that had been open, which happened to be manager of the gift shop at the Zooniverse.

"Good to see you back Naboo." said Howard, just as the speaker crackled into life.

"Howard Moon, get your ass over to the tiny faced men with the fancy fur legs! Vince, stop messing with your hair and go feed the pointy faced shoelace assed people! And Naboo… go gift shop you lazy puke!" yelled Fossil over the tannoy.

"I think he means that I've got to go the gibbons and you've got to feed the mice, Vince." explained Howard, wearily.

"High-Ho, High-Ho, It's off to work we-"

"Shuddup Vince!" Howard yelled.

The door to the hut shut quietly behind them and all that could be heard was Howard and Vince arguing over which was the coolest out of the seven dwarves and Naboo's gentle laughter in the background.

**_This isn't the end of the story. It's the beginning of something magical…

* * *

_**

**Heya! Anyway, if you're reading this, you've probably read the whole thing.. at least I hope you have, otherwise you've just skipped to the end, like.. Skippy. Go read the rest you Bush Kangaroo! **

**This is my first (long) completed story. It took me a while to write, but I'm pretty proud of it! Thanks to my diligent supporters and everyone who reviewed. I truly love you all!**

**So, that's it. **

**But wait a minute… I haven't finished the story! There's a massive Nigel and Jools shaped gap at the end! Well… if you want to find out what happens, I guess you'll have to read the sequel! It should be up soon… anyway, I'll try and get it up fast (I have a feeling Corrine may kill or at least, seriously maim me if I don't!)**

**Even if you are reading this now, at the end, I still appreciate reviews! (hint hint ) **

**Thank you and Good Night! **

**love Cookiemunster xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxyz **


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